[He starts typing out a response. More than just the "i hate you" that goes with Ash ruining one of his favorite books. But instead, he ends up calling. Ends up waiting until Ash picks up to respond with a soft-]
I'm glad that you have someone like that. Someone that makes you happy. You deserve it.
[And sure, he might only know Ash as he presents himself here, in this city. But from everything he's seen, everything they've already shared with each other, he means every single word of it. Ash's happiness matters to him.]
Why's he your Vice President though? Shouldn't he be your First...gentleman?
( ash picks up automatically. he has no opinions on talking on the phone versus texting — but he does like hearing bukcy's voice, gravelly and warm. ash hums, a decent agreement to deserving happiness, although really his thoughts are more complicated on the subject.
to the idea of a first gentleman though — ash laughs, something fairly loud and belly aching for him, a lilt of amusement in his voice. )
You're just assuming he would want to be with me. ( ash knows that, too, is more complicated than he makes it seem, but it isn't really his place to talk about embry's heart, even if it is his place to defend his character. ) He made it clear to me that he thought my role in politics was more important than our ... well, whatever we are to each other. But there was no other option for me, for Vice President. Had to be Embry.
I have a picture of us, if you want to see. We're younger in it. I have less gray.
[Ash may not be able to see it, but he can undoubtedly hear the warmth and outright happiness in his tone that comes from knowing he managed to get Ash to laugh. The man really needs to be able to do it more often.]
I'd like that. Can only guess what you looked like when you were younger.
[Yet another reason why he doesn't see Steve when he looks at Ash.]
You're happy though? Both of you. With what you've got now?
( a picture of a picture buzzes in on bucky's phone, and on it — two men donned in military fatigues, wearing guns over their shoulders, helmets on their heads. even hidden under army green and khaki, the beauty of embry is obvious — standing a few inches taller than ash, he radiates the kind of decadent beauty only a million dollar family and slouchy playboy persona can get you. ash himself looks younger, less burdened, sharing a grin with embry that seems fossilized in boyhood despite that both men are in their twenties. the gray in his hair is gone as promised, along with all the handsome wrinkles. this is a pre-presidency ash. this is a pre-greer ash. it feels like an eternity ago. )
Personally, I'll always want more from him. You know how demanding I can be. ( it's not said flirty, or even like self deprecation — ash knows he asks a lot of his lovers. he knows he always asks for more, and never once for less. ) But he said what we had was enough for him. And — eventually I married Jenny, so I suppose that was the truth. It all stopped then. ( a thoughtful paused. ) Picked up again after she died, though. Make of that what you will, Embry will certainly never tell you.
[His response sounds a little fainter, despite him raising his voice to try and compensate for the fact he's looking down at his screen right now. But while he might not be blind to just why Ash thinks he belongs on a magazine cover, his attention only stays on Embry for a few brief moments. Instead, it's Ash who his eyes are drawn to. The familiar face hidden behind an unfamiliar youth. It's enough to bring a fond look to his face as he quietly saves the image to his own phone.
Until-
He's snapped back to the conversation again with one added piece of the jigsaw that is Ash's life, back home. With the knowledge that Jenny isn't just an ex-wife. That he's a widower, despite just how young he really is. It might not change how he feels towards Ash, but it does leave him feeling a little unsure of how to respond.]
...think that means that his feelings for you haven't changed. Means he probably feels the same way about you as you do about him. Even if he's not said it yet.
[Yeah, he might be speaking from experience here. Sort of.]
Yeah, ( it takes a second, but ash agrees, voice a little soft and a little warm, like a threadbare sweater. ) yeah, I think you're right.
( embry doesn't speak the truth, but that doesn't mean ash doesn't know it. he's seen the lies written in the fine print — noticed pain where embry forces a smile, softness when his break up intimacy with a laugh. embry does love him. but what is love, if you can't claim it?
ash clears his throat, thinking the attention has been on him for too long, and still not fully sure how to feel about discussing other men (or women) with bucky. obviously, he craves honesty, and wants to know every dirty thought that's ever lived in the capacity of bucky's brain. but, well. it feels like downplaying their connection, to discuss the weight of others. )
Well, what about you? ( there's a smile that's obvious in his voice. ) Any paramours back at home I should look out for? Hopeful or otherwise.
( he lets out a light, easy laugh — getting called a centenarian by a ww2 war vet. his sister would have a riot. )
Well, the world's a big place. Full of a lot of weird people. ( see: ash, who's never once been bothered by the violence bucky seems to think he's so inevitably capable of. ) Is it something you want?
Does it matter? It ain't ever gonna be on the cards for me.
[Not after his face was plastered all over the news. Not when being around him is a potential death sentence. No, falling in love, building a family- He lost that chance the moment he fell off the train.]
[Because it's easier to focus on that. Easier to push back than to dwell too long on the rest of what's been said. Because otherwise it's going to lead to questions that he isn't sure he's ready to hear the answers to.]
If Embry turned up here, I wouldn't hold you to anything. You know that, don't you?
( a weighty silence follows — not overly long, but with the effect of ash really thinking about it. what would life look like, if embry were here? the truth is, he has no clue. he’s been in love with embry for what feels like a thousand years, but the man remains a mystery to him most of the time, hot one second and cold the next. ash would need to be with him, as much as he needs water and air — but he needs bucky in a similar way, now. he couldn’t just leave him.
but then, he knows the finer details aren’t where bucky is comfortable, and emotionally dropping a ball on him will probably not go over well. so, ash lets out a small breath, swallowing dryly. )
If Embry turned up here, he probably wouldn’t want much to do with me. It’s — complicated. ( proposing for a second time, hearing no twice. it doesn’t bode well for a world of contracts. ) And if he did, he’d have to get used to things, how they are. I’m selfish, you know that. I’d ask for both of you. I’d have to, because I wouldn’t leave you — you know that, right?
[It's a quiet response. Strained, somewhat. Because verging a step too close to answering a question he's purposely kept at bay. So he clears his throat. Takes a moment to gather his thoughts. And then-]
You don't owe me anything though. Just because we're contracted now, doesn't mean you can't change your mind later.
[Except that piece of paper has nothing to do with it. Ash has given him something that he didn't know he needed. Has helped him find peace in an otherwise tumultuous situation. But that doesn't change the fact that their relationship is completely unbalanced. That he takes more from Ash than he gives. So offering him an easy out feels like the right thing to do.]
Do I strike you as a man who changes my mind often?
( ash knows all his own truths as extended parts of himself — other people say words callously, or make promises easily, but ash has never been the sort to say something unless his entire heart backed it up. knowing that about himself doesn’t mean other people know it about him, though. he forcibly makes his voice go softer, a little self-deprecating as he tries, in part, to make bucky understand him a little better. )
You know, I. Really cannot emphasize how much I do not do … all of this. ( he lets out a huff of a laugh. ) Before this city, I really only had three partners, or four, if you count the person who trained me. ( five if you count a random man in a bar in europe who let ash go down on him, long enough to discover he really doesn’t care for frivolous hookups. five, if you count greer. ) Of that, only one official relationship, with Jenny. So … it’s still new, for me. But it means a lot to me, still. I understand what you’re saying, and told you it’s alright if you don’t feel the same way, but for me it’s … significant. It’s not something I’m going to toss away, like it means nothing to me. Okay?
[He doesn't say anything in response, at first. Doesn't do anything more than listen in silence. Than try to work out what to say in response to that. How to tell Ash that he's not alone in this. In feeling that way. He may have started off differently. May have once been the type to have a different woman on his arm each week. But those times are long gone, and the idea of sleeping around, of doing what the city demands of them without forming some kind of attachment along the way- It's yet another impossibility that he's being faced with here.]
It...means something to me too.
[Because he can say that much. Can reveal a small piece of the truth here, because it's the absolute least that Ash deserves.]
I just want you to understand that, whatever's happening between us, if one of them turn up, or you end up falling for someone here? I ain't gonna get in your way. I don't want you to feel like you've gotta hold back or hide it or something.
[And sure, he might not like it. But he's do whatever it takes to stow that feeling. To push it down deep inside, simply because-]
Of course you're not going to be in my way. You're going to be right here, next to me.
( it's not that bucky's point goes over his head. it's just — leaving bucky is an unimaginable future, for him. ash has sowed the seeds, laid the roots. the two of them feel inextricable. )
Being with you makes me happy. You can't imagine how much. ( in an effort towards levity — ) With that, you might hurry up and get over here, so I can show you how much.
[Though while the words should be an accusation, the fondness in his voice makes it anything but. Despite everything they get up to in private, it's moments like this that hit him the hardest. That remind him of just how lucky he is to be in the position he's in. To have Ash's attention on him for even the briefest of moments. Which is why he's trying. Why he's willing to try and push himself past his own discomfort to give something back in return, however small it might be in comparison.]
I've gotta go pick up my stuff. I'll be there in the next hour.
[A beat, and he adds-]
Could really do with a bath. Yours looks big enough to share.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
audio.
I'm glad that you have someone like that. Someone that makes you happy. You deserve it.
[And sure, he might only know Ash as he presents himself here, in this city. But from everything he's seen, everything they've already shared with each other, he means every single word of it. Ash's happiness matters to him.]
Why's he your Vice President though? Shouldn't he be your First...gentleman?
[That's the term, right?]
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to the idea of a first gentleman though — ash laughs, something fairly loud and belly aching for him, a lilt of amusement in his voice. )
You're just assuming he would want to be with me. ( ash knows that, too, is more complicated than he makes it seem, but it isn't really his place to talk about embry's heart, even if it is his place to defend his character. ) He made it clear to me that he thought my role in politics was more important than our ... well, whatever we are to each other. But there was no other option for me, for Vice President. Had to be Embry.
I have a picture of us, if you want to see. We're younger in it. I have less gray.
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I'd like that. Can only guess what you looked like when you were younger.
[Yet another reason why he doesn't see Steve when he looks at Ash.]
You're happy though? Both of you. With what you've got now?
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Personally, I'll always want more from him. You know how demanding I can be. ( it's not said flirty, or even like self deprecation — ash knows he asks a lot of his lovers. he knows he always asks for more, and never once for less. ) But he said what we had was enough for him. And — eventually I married Jenny, so I suppose that was the truth. It all stopped then. ( a thoughtful paused. ) Picked up again after she died, though. Make of that what you will, Embry will certainly never tell you.
no subject
Until-
He's snapped back to the conversation again with one added piece of the jigsaw that is Ash's life, back home. With the knowledge that Jenny isn't just an ex-wife. That he's a widower, despite just how young he really is. It might not change how he feels towards Ash, but it does leave him feeling a little unsure of how to respond.]
...think that means that his feelings for you haven't changed. Means he probably feels the same way about you as you do about him. Even if he's not said it yet.
[Yeah, he might be speaking from experience here. Sort of.]
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( embry doesn't speak the truth, but that doesn't mean ash doesn't know it. he's seen the lies written in the fine print — noticed pain where embry forces a smile, softness when his break up intimacy with a laugh. embry does love him. but what is love, if you can't claim it?
ash clears his throat, thinking the attention has been on him for too long, and still not fully sure how to feel about discussing other men (or women) with bucky. obviously, he craves honesty, and wants to know every dirty thought that's ever lived in the capacity of bucky's brain. but, well. it feels like downplaying their connection, to discuss the weight of others. )
Well, what about you? ( there's a smile that's obvious in his voice. ) Any paramours back at home I should look out for? Hopeful or otherwise.
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[Using words like paramour. But his tone is light, a tease there regardless.]
I've either tried to kill most of the people I know at some point, or I've hurt someone they care about. Don't exactly leave me with options.
[Not that he was looking. Recovery seemed a little more important.]
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Well, the world's a big place. Full of a lot of weird people. ( see: ash, who's never once been bothered by the violence bucky seems to think he's so inevitably capable of. ) Is it something you want?
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[Not after his face was plastered all over the news. Not when being around him is a potential death sentence. No, falling in love, building a family- He lost that chance the moment he fell off the train.]
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( it’s laced with ash’s brand of utter sincerity — he, at least, believes it’s true. )
It happened here, didn’t it? It could happen anywhere.
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[Because it's easier to focus on that. Easier to push back than to dwell too long on the rest of what's been said. Because otherwise it's going to lead to questions that he isn't sure he's ready to hear the answers to.]
If Embry turned up here, I wouldn't hold you to anything. You know that, don't you?
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but then, he knows the finer details aren’t where bucky is comfortable, and emotionally dropping a ball on him will probably not go over well. so, ash lets out a small breath, swallowing dryly. )
If Embry turned up here, he probably wouldn’t want much to do with me. It’s — complicated. ( proposing for a second time, hearing no twice. it doesn’t bode well for a world of contracts. ) And if he did, he’d have to get used to things, how they are. I’m selfish, you know that. I’d ask for both of you. I’d have to, because I wouldn’t leave you — you know that, right?
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[It's a quiet response. Strained, somewhat. Because verging a step too close to answering a question he's purposely kept at bay. So he clears his throat. Takes a moment to gather his thoughts. And then-]
You don't owe me anything though. Just because we're contracted now, doesn't mean you can't change your mind later.
[Except that piece of paper has nothing to do with it. Ash has given him something that he didn't know he needed. Has helped him find peace in an otherwise tumultuous situation. But that doesn't change the fact that their relationship is completely unbalanced. That he takes more from Ash than he gives. So offering him an easy out feels like the right thing to do.]
Wouldn't hold it against you.
no subject
( ash knows all his own truths as extended parts of himself — other people say words callously, or make promises easily, but ash has never been the sort to say something unless his entire heart backed it up. knowing that about himself doesn’t mean other people know it about him, though. he forcibly makes his voice go softer, a little self-deprecating as he tries, in part, to make bucky understand him a little better. )
You know, I. Really cannot emphasize how much I do not do … all of this. ( he lets out a huff of a laugh. ) Before this city, I really only had three partners, or four, if you count the person who trained me. ( five if you count a random man in a bar in europe who let ash go down on him, long enough to discover he really doesn’t care for frivolous hookups. five, if you count greer. ) Of that, only one official relationship, with Jenny. So … it’s still new, for me. But it means a lot to me, still. I understand what you’re saying, and told you it’s alright if you don’t feel the same way, but for me it’s … significant. It’s not something I’m going to toss away, like it means nothing to me. Okay?
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It...means something to me too.
[Because he can say that much. Can reveal a small piece of the truth here, because it's the absolute least that Ash deserves.]
I just want you to understand that, whatever's happening between us, if one of them turn up, or you end up falling for someone here? I ain't gonna get in your way. I don't want you to feel like you've gotta hold back or hide it or something.
[And sure, he might not like it. But he's do whatever it takes to stow that feeling. To push it down deep inside, simply because-]
You being happy makes me happy.
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( it's not that bucky's point goes over his head. it's just — leaving bucky is an unimaginable future, for him. ash has sowed the seeds, laid the roots. the two of them feel inextricable. )
Being with you makes me happy. You can't imagine how much. ( in an effort towards levity — ) With that, you might hurry up and get over here, so I can show you how much.
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[Though while the words should be an accusation, the fondness in his voice makes it anything but. Despite everything they get up to in private, it's moments like this that hit him the hardest. That remind him of just how lucky he is to be in the position he's in. To have Ash's attention on him for even the briefest of moments. Which is why he's trying. Why he's willing to try and push himself past his own discomfort to give something back in return, however small it might be in comparison.]
I've gotta go pick up my stuff. I'll be there in the next hour.
[A beat, and he adds-]
Could really do with a bath. Yours looks big enough to share.