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i'm fine.
let me know what you hear.
sorry you're alone. i would've told you to stay with us if i knew some crazy shit like this was about to happen.
but hey, i guess we're following white house protocol by staying apart, right? it's not a big deal as long as one of us makes it out alive.
let me know what you hear.
sorry you're alone. i would've told you to stay with us if i knew some crazy shit like this was about to happen.
but hey, i guess we're following white house protocol by staying apart, right? it's not a big deal as long as one of us makes it out alive.
( really, just. the fucking audacity of this man. if ash was normal, maybe he'd feel his lip wobble, or his cheeks get wet at the pain this text brings — but for whatever reason and with no good cause, ash isn't normal. a birth defect, or a war, or the constant belittling rejection of the person he loves most in this world, or the death of his wife, or the reality of his genetics, or the presidency. whatever it is that's wrong with him, he can't cry about it. he just grips his phone and shakes, imagines embry's mouth forming the word enough, imagines kicking him in the stomach and forcing his cock down his throat and watching him choke helplessly on it, watery blue eyes blinking up at him, angry and reverent and — unarguably, full of love. )
Don't, Embry. Don't push me right now.
( ash doesn't have the capacity to text all of a sudden, and he throws his phone down, pacing the length of his conjoined rooms like a prowling jungle cat, anxiously waiting for a meal that is obviously not coming. )
Don't, Embry. Don't push me right now.
( ash doesn't have the capacity to text all of a sudden, and he throws his phone down, pacing the length of his conjoined rooms like a prowling jungle cat, anxiously waiting for a meal that is obviously not coming. )
Edited 2024-08-07 11:57 (UTC)
[ normal. a thing he used to be before ash pressed his boot to his wrist while embry was down in the dirt — or maybe he never was and that's the whole point. that ash knew. that ash has always known, and embry was always going to end up here.
at least he's more normal than most, because he does feel the film of tears sticking to his lashes as he blinks, his misery as thick as the ruinous desire that courses through him. it's a lie, of course. his world did end, just as it does every time he leaves ash and has to watch him sweetly fumble his way through the beginning stages of love with people the world deems more suited for him. jealousy has run embry ragged, all those little moments and secret tells that used to be reserved for him now spent on others while he has to keep his mouth shut and pretend his anguish isn't eating him alive. ]
have you promised her anything?
faithfulness? a relationship? are you her boyfriend?
[ knowing ash, he might have already gotten down on one knee for greer. it stings to think about how he would have married greer on the spot in chicago if he'd had half a chance. ]
if you haven't, then why aren't you jacking off thinking about me like you want to?
i am.
at least he's more normal than most, because he does feel the film of tears sticking to his lashes as he blinks, his misery as thick as the ruinous desire that courses through him. it's a lie, of course. his world did end, just as it does every time he leaves ash and has to watch him sweetly fumble his way through the beginning stages of love with people the world deems more suited for him. jealousy has run embry ragged, all those little moments and secret tells that used to be reserved for him now spent on others while he has to keep his mouth shut and pretend his anguish isn't eating him alive. ]
have you promised her anything?
faithfulness? a relationship? are you her boyfriend?
[ knowing ash, he might have already gotten down on one knee for greer. it stings to think about how he would have married greer on the spot in chicago if he'd had half a chance. ]
if you haven't, then why aren't you jacking off thinking about me like you want to?
i am.
( it's a feeling not dissimilar to seeing embry laden full of bullet holes that has ash prowling, pent up with anger and need in an arousing molotov cocktail mix. he can't touch his phone, because if he does, he'll take it out on embry, and — and honestly, he can't remember why that's a bad idea right now. he remembers being a younger man, a lovesick captain in the army of a brutal war, deciding he'd take whatever he could get from embry, have whatever life the two of them could. and why shouldn't he? ash has done his time, has learned in small terms what it means to live a sexual life apart from embry, and it's not something he'd ever choose for himself when the opposite feels so right. so why would he?
(it's not, he knows, simple. it's not that embry didn't love him, it's that embry didn't love him enough to marry him. it's that embry would fuck him, but not wed him. it's because that's what ash's worth is to him, all the love without the commitment.
it's because: ash colchester, you are selfish. you are wounded. you just want everything and don't know how to be apologetic for what you are — obsessive, needy, and romantic.)
ultimately he does pick up his phone, knowing it'll bruise his heart later, but not strong enough to resist the siren call of embry on the other side. both of them, unattached. ash, needy. it seems like simple math. )
Because I'm thinking about how badly you want my cum inside you as a reward for letting me fuck your hole raw and aching, and it makes me not want to spill in my fucking hand.
Tell me what you're doing.
(it's not, he knows, simple. it's not that embry didn't love him, it's that embry didn't love him enough to marry him. it's that embry would fuck him, but not wed him. it's because that's what ash's worth is to him, all the love without the commitment.
it's because: ash colchester, you are selfish. you are wounded. you just want everything and don't know how to be apologetic for what you are — obsessive, needy, and romantic.)
ultimately he does pick up his phone, knowing it'll bruise his heart later, but not strong enough to resist the siren call of embry on the other side. both of them, unattached. ash, needy. it seems like simple math. )
Because I'm thinking about how badly you want my cum inside you as a reward for letting me fuck your hole raw and aching, and it makes me not want to spill in my fucking hand.
Tell me what you're doing.
Edited 2024-08-08 02:47 (UTC)
[ he knows what that pause is. ash, wrestling with himself, trying to keep himself away from embry and his bullshit for the thousandth time when he knows nothing will change in the end. embry still won't give in, and ash will still believe it's because he doesn't love him the right amount to give him his hand in marriage, and they'll both leave this encounter worse than they came into it. but ash has something better waiting for him, and embry —
embry only has this. he dreams of these moments, craves them like a goddamn addict, laps them up like a stray that doesn't know when he'll be fed again. every time he talks to ash he's afraid this will be the time their friendship breaks and he'll be pushed out for good, and he'll only be able to blame himself for the endless cracks he's put in ash's heart. ]
don't you know what i'm doing better than anyone else?
[ in all the phases of his life since the age of twenty-one, whether he's been discreetly falling in love with ash across europe or fucking his way through the beltway elite, that's been true. there's only one giant part of himself he's kept hidden away, and it thankfully has nothing to do with sex. ]
i'm thinking about you in that lonely room and how many times you've jerked it thinking about greer already. because you're my best friend and i'm invested in your future. and your cock, just for right now.
embry only has this. he dreams of these moments, craves them like a goddamn addict, laps them up like a stray that doesn't know when he'll be fed again. every time he talks to ash he's afraid this will be the time their friendship breaks and he'll be pushed out for good, and he'll only be able to blame himself for the endless cracks he's put in ash's heart. ]
don't you know what i'm doing better than anyone else?
[ in all the phases of his life since the age of twenty-one, whether he's been discreetly falling in love with ash across europe or fucking his way through the beltway elite, that's been true. there's only one giant part of himself he's kept hidden away, and it thankfully has nothing to do with sex. ]
i'm thinking about you in that lonely room and how many times you've jerked it thinking about greer already. because you're my best friend and i'm invested in your future. and your cock, just for right now.
( this, at least, is an old dance to ash — embry saying something either purposely or accidentally needling, garnering a reaction that usually ends up with him face down on the floor, kissing ash's feet. )
Why aren't you thinking about how many times I've jerked off to you?
Or is that something else we're not talking about.
( it's seems a gigantic oversight. ash has always had a healthy sexual appetite that borders on compulsory, on obsessive, and at the same time he was fucking embry in the shower stalls at base camp, he was wringing the cum out of his dick to greer's innocent emails. he has room inside him for multitudes of people — it's the letting them go that he's never fully figured out. )
If I had to guess, I'd say you're grabbing your dick through your boxers, pretending like you might be able to stop jerking off to me whenever you feel like it. Like it doesn't count unless you take your dick out, like you're not fully committed to cumming all over yourself like a horny teenager because you think you might be able to withhold some dignity from me, since we're over text.
I wish I could see you. Touch you. I don't think there's a room in this house I haven't thought about bending you over in and fucking you to tears.
Why aren't you thinking about how many times I've jerked off to you?
Or is that something else we're not talking about.
( it's seems a gigantic oversight. ash has always had a healthy sexual appetite that borders on compulsory, on obsessive, and at the same time he was fucking embry in the shower stalls at base camp, he was wringing the cum out of his dick to greer's innocent emails. he has room inside him for multitudes of people — it's the letting them go that he's never fully figured out. )
If I had to guess, I'd say you're grabbing your dick through your boxers, pretending like you might be able to stop jerking off to me whenever you feel like it. Like it doesn't count unless you take your dick out, like you're not fully committed to cumming all over yourself like a horny teenager because you think you might be able to withhold some dignity from me, since we're over text.
I wish I could see you. Touch you. I don't think there's a room in this house I haven't thought about bending you over in and fucking you to tears.
[ why are you thinking about me? a question without thought, with no purpose but to bruise his own heart. he doesn't deserve any space in ash's mind after everything he's done. he deserves all the space in ash's mind precisely for everything he's done. neither option changes the reality of this, that he can't have the thing he wants most, which is some abstract concept of a life that might have been, once upon a time. some stupid fairy tale written by a dead author that he probably made fun of for no reason on a rainy day. ]
focus, colchester.
[ he's definitely stripping his dick out now, because it's humiliating that ash is right, that he's in bed fondling himself through his silky boxers for the aforementioned reasons. his anger gets him rock-hard, which is the dumbest shit ever, and yet. ]
i am jerking off to you. but not just to you.
i'm thinking about you and greer. she is very pretty, you know.
i was jealous all that time at base you used to fuck me half to death and still had the energy to jerk off to the thought of her afterwards. but now that i'm more detached, it's kinda hot.
you must have years of fantasies built up about her. tell me.
focus, colchester.
[ he's definitely stripping his dick out now, because it's humiliating that ash is right, that he's in bed fondling himself through his silky boxers for the aforementioned reasons. his anger gets him rock-hard, which is the dumbest shit ever, and yet. ]
i am jerking off to you. but not just to you.
i'm thinking about you and greer. she is very pretty, you know.
i was jealous all that time at base you used to fuck me half to death and still had the energy to jerk off to the thought of her afterwards. but now that i'm more detached, it's kinda hot.
you must have years of fantasies built up about her. tell me.
Yeah, I know.
Of course I do.
( the perpetual problem: embry thinks he can top. the reality: ash can't occupy any role other than putting embry in his place. that's why they clash, and why embry is perfect — he fights ash every step of the way, and he always loses. )
I used to be really careful to keep the two of you separate in my mind. A respect thing, I think. Lately it seems impossible.
I think about fucking her bare while you watch, and making you eat my cum out of her pussy. I think about fucking you hard enough your tongue rubs up against her clit on every thrust in.
I think about fucking your mouth while Greer rides you. If I spill on your face, I bet she wouldn't wait to be told to lick it up.
You could give me all night and I wouldn't run out of things I want to do to you, and her, and you and her together.
Of course I do.
( the perpetual problem: embry thinks he can top. the reality: ash can't occupy any role other than putting embry in his place. that's why they clash, and why embry is perfect — he fights ash every step of the way, and he always loses. )
I used to be really careful to keep the two of you separate in my mind. A respect thing, I think. Lately it seems impossible.
I think about fucking her bare while you watch, and making you eat my cum out of her pussy. I think about fucking you hard enough your tongue rubs up against her clit on every thrust in.
I think about fucking your mouth while Greer rides you. If I spill on your face, I bet she wouldn't wait to be told to lick it up.
You could give me all night and I wouldn't run out of things I want to do to you, and her, and you and her together.
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