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voyeur.
đź’• VOYEUR
PROFILE GENERATED BY THE HOUSE
MAXEN ASHLEY COLCHESTER
@COLCHESTER
đź’— PERFORMER
đź’Ś PATRON REQUESTS
đź’• Request #1: "Everyone knows how much cum you have stored up. Or maybe they don't? In any case, has the thought of restraint ever crossed your mind, Mister President? 72hrs, no cumming, no exceptions."
💕 Request #2: "You have a demented mind, don't you? Orchestrate a scene between any two people — make it kinky. The more depraved, the more I'll give you, hunk."
💕 Request #3: "Quit denying yourself the things you really want. Here's my generous offer: stage a kidnapping with a person of your choice. They can be in on it or not — either way, capture them, drag them back to a convenient location, and do whatever you can do to them in a one hour limit. The nastier the more money you get, Bronze Tier."
PROFILE
Top dom, trained in the art of domination. Doesn't skimp on the aftercare. Best requested for: kink scenes.
⚠️ PERFORMER NOTES:
Hard limits: bottoming (maybe? well ...). Specializes in domestic BDSM, impact play, shibari, kink scenes. Best paired with bratty submissives.
DETECTED KINKS
#BDSM
#PREDATOR/PREY
#THROATFUCKING
#CNC ⚠️
#RAPE FANTASY ⚠️
#SHIBARI
#CUCKING
#CRYING
#CUM KINK
#SLAPPING
You didn't create this profile. You can't edit it. You can't delete it.
You are the content. They are watching.
You are the content. They are watching.
no subject
I got a request for me and him to mess around together. I'm doing it. I have to.
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Missouri. At my childhood Church ideally. I knew once my mother met you she would never forgive me for anything less than home. She'd probably insist on having the reception at her house and catering it herself, and making sure you were too stuffed to have a proper wedding night with me. Kay would be my best man, obviously. I'd say something about how I couldn't make you my husband and my best man in the vows, even though it would feel right — we'd write our own, of course.
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[ a lump constricts his throat. of course ash has thought it out in the sweetest way possible, achingly so. he wants to reach out and touch the picture he paints, to run his fingers along ash's confident, knowledgeable strokes. things embry knows nothing about — the rapturous anticipation of watching someone walk down the aisle to you, a big loving family to share in the happiest day of your life. marrying abilene had been a miserable, lonely affair, his mind and his heart hollow through the ceremony and everything that had followed. ]
I'd say Morgan would be mine, but she probably wouldn't come. I think my mother and aunt Nimue would have, though. Maybe. If they didn't, it wouldn't be because you were a man. It would be because they wouldn't take me being anyone's husband seriously.
Ireland for our honeymoon. So we could make friends with sheep.
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Ireland.
( the idea that embry might've put any thought into their wedding, engagement, honeymoon, or marriage is more than ash can bear. )
And you would've fallen in love with the sheep, despite complaining about the stink. You'd pretend to be Tom Joad.
We could visit again. Every year on our anniversary. Bring the kids, when there's kids. I always wanted a big family, back when I thought I'd be a good father.
Did you?
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[ he almost stops right there. this whole exercise seems designed to hurt them both, to rake their failures across their wounded hearts and create even more distance between them. whatever punishment comes from disobeying can't be worse than this.
but he can't stop. not just because they're both bound to accept any request that comes their way, but because he wants to hear this. wants any small scrap of a future that never was, that never could be. ]
The sheep would have fallen in love with me.
I always wanted kids. Yeah. Even if I had the worst example of a nurturing parent in the history of Moores.
You would be a good father. Don't let Morgan make you think otherwise. She's also fucked in the head.
Don't let me make you think otherwise, either.
Would you really make me move out to the country?
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I am a father. To a teenager I've only met a handful of times. You know
( strange wait for ash, who usually thinks before he says anything. now it's like his emotions are fried, too worn through for the kind of careful consideration he usually needs when speaking with embry. he doesn't finish the thought, moving on instead. )
No. Not if you didn't want to. At the time, it was easier to be — not outwardly queer of course, but queerer in places outside the US. And I thought getting out of the war-machine and American politics might be good for us. You know. That dream of an easy life.
But I would've gone anywhere, if it meant I could be with you.
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[ ... ]
I know you are. I didn't mean to say otherwise.
So what kind of dad are you when you catch your kid having a threesome in his parents' bed? Asking because that is a real situation that could happen. I know from experience.
I didn't not want to. I've just never not lived in a city.
I would've shoveled cow manure every day of my life if it meant I could marry you.
Ash I
[ a pause as he scrubs at his eyes, blinking until the screen stops being blurry. ]
I can't be that sorry that we stayed. It was because of you that we won the war. That all those people were saved. The country needed you, and everything you did was right. Every choice you made, even if Merlin pushed you into it. I pushed you into it.
But I thought about it every single day. Everything we gave up. Everything I forced you to give up. I thought about telling you the truth so many times. I didn't want to be the person who kept having to give up everything. But if I stopped, if I decided to be selfish instead, then that would have meant I didn't really love you. If I really loved you, then there's nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for you.
That's the only true thing Merlin ever told me.
I'd like a lake. I'd have moved to your stupid farm if there was a lake.
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( that thing that embry always does, regardless. even rejecting ash was a product of that — hurting himself to prove himself as unlovable. )
Honestly? I don't know. I have no idea how to be a father.
You know a lot more about it than I do. For Galahad and for Lyr. I missed all the important things with him.
I wish I could've been there when he was born. You know. First words and steps and
Days of the school year. Buying baby clothes. Meeting all his little friends. I mean
I love him so much and I barely know him.
( and, still, the first and most memorable meeting with lyr is like a thorn in his side, hearing his son say to him, i wish i had never been born. nothing embry could ever cook up in his delusions will ever hurt him as badly as that.
he can't ever fix it — his neglect, where he failed as a father. he'll also never get the chance to try. it's all a fantasy. all it does is hurt. )
Farm and a lake. You reading on the beach, me helping horses give birth.
Greer barefoot and pregnant. Lyr babysitting Galahad, if he wanted to stay with us. I'd want him to.
You want to know something? I'm not sorry either.
If the choices are loving you and hurting or not loving you at all, I pick the pain. Every time. Every life.
We'll get it right one of these times.
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You're a contributing factor to every decision I make. You didn't know how much shit I protected you from over the years, but you know now. Stop acting like your will alone is enough here. It's not. What you and I want has never been enough and it never will be. I wish it was, but it's not. I wish I could give you everything you've ever wanted, but I can't. All I can do is keep lying and cheating and getting my hands dirty to keep you safe, because I'd rather have you safe and hate me than let anyone else hurt you.
[ the whiplash of thinking about galahad makes his head spin. a reminder of the empty space in his chest, the missing warmth that feels necessary for his heart to keep beating. he closes his eyes and thinks of lyr. ]
I think you would figure it out. You think you don't know, but then it happens, and you just do it.
At least that's how it was for me with Galahad. I didn't feel ready. He was never supposed to exist. With the way he came about, he should've been the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Instead he kept me alive when I didn't have you and Greer.
Morgan wasn't there for all those things, either. That doesn't make anything better, but she didn't get to be his mom. And I think finding out about her was worse for him, because she was around. She could've done everything differently, but she didn't.
He knows that you would've been there if you could. Just trust me on that, Ash. I know him. He knows that you and Morgan aren't remotely the same people.
I can't believe you want to be a horse midwife.
There's also no way Lyr could babysit Galahad. Galahad would run him over like a train.
[ ... ]
I would never choose to not love you either.
I'm just sorry that you got stuck with me. Sorry that I'm not enough.
Sorry that I can't leave you either way.
cw: sexual assault
His word is dirt. If you believe he'll do what you want just because you pinky promised, I honestly don't know what to say to you. Don't do me any favors, Embry. I don't want them.
I'd rather hurt than feel like I had a hand in another form of sexual assault done against you.
I wish a knew Galahad, too. It's weird that you have a son I've only met once.
I'll never forget first meeting him. He really looks so much like me. Like Morgan, too. He's like a little angel. He's just perfect.
The worst part of it is that I knew how he felt, when he looked at me. To feel unwanted, unloved by the people who brought him into the world. It's not true, though. I've thanked God for him every day since I learned about him — and I told him I wasn't ashamed of him, that I wouldn't hide him. I wish I had more time to convince him of it.
( ash understands that, too. being the secret. feeling like your existence is — shameful. too unseemly to be public.
he wants to ask embry to try, anyway. to make sure he knows that all ash ever wanted was to know lyr — but it feels especially cruel, right now. besides, it's one of those things that goes on unsaid. he knows embry will do it, without being asked. )
Galahad can babysit Lyr then. They'd have their own rooms.
And more rooms, for more babies. It's a big house, in my heart. Full of pictures and souvenirs and memories. I'll build the furniture so the bed's big enough.
You're my whole world, Embry. You and Greer.
I'm selfish enough for that, that I couldn't ask for anything more. All I want is you. So don't apologize for that — even when you take yourself from me, I can't regret that I ever had you in the first place. All my happiest memories are with you.
no subject
I don't
[ for a long moment he doesn't say anything. he wants to kick the wall, or let the floor swallow him whole, or go back in time and suffocate himself in his sheets before he ever knew the name maxen ashley colchester. it's the only way, the only timeline where he doesn't belong to ash. one where he doesn't exist. ]
Why the fuck would you say that? You didn't care before.
You didn't do anything when I told you what Abilene did to me.
[ because he dropped a bomb on ash in the same breath. because he toppled him and then left him. why would he deserve comfort after that? after intentionally breaking greer's heart and walking out on the only man he's ever loved. he fights to swallow down the well of tears in his throat. ]
Forget it. Forget this fucking request. I'll give up my meals or my bed or my goddamn sanity not to do this anymore with you.
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Fuck you. And fuck you for saying that to me. And if you really want to run away like you always do, then I won't stop you. You can have my meal ticket.
Of course I cared. I could've killed Abilene. I wanted to. I imagined it. I'd stay awake at night thinking about my hands around her neck. Hitting her head against a wall until it broke open like a pomegrante. Dark things. War leftovers. Did I ever not protect you in the Carpathia? Did I ever leave you behind? Why would that be any different on American soil? You're mine. You belong to me. When people touch you, whether you want them to or not, part of me will always want to kill them. Always.
And I would've done it all. I would've endured Greer's hate for me. But she was pregnant — with your baby. With Galahad.
And you left. You didn't want me to do any of that, or you would've stayed. You would've trusted me.
You didn't.
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[ maybe not right away, at least not as strongly. not when he was alight with fiery conviction and rage and the need to protect what was his in his own way. but as the years wore on and wore him down, it's all he'd wanted. for ash to come for him like he always did during the war. to rearrange his shattered world into something that made sense again.
but ash is right. as he always is. he left, and when he did he gave up the privilege of ash's care and protection. gave up his rightful place at ash's feet. and it feels like he's never recovered from that. ]
Keep your meal ticket. You'll need it when you fuck up a request and lose out on another payday.
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( he ran against ash, after all — for greer, for a lack of belief in ash, for a marrow deep belief in ash’s cowardice. he’d said as much point blank. i think you’re weak. )
We failed. I’m not getting anything from this but a need to go hit something.
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I'll go shovel snow and you can take my place with the ax.
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Is this what it’s going to be like?
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I was just wondering if this is all there is, for us. Just the fantasy. Just hurting each other.
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[ so he finally admits it in writing. that this is all there is to embry. that loving him is like running a charity house. and even then, embry knows he wouldn't ever leave even if ash gave him one scrap of attention every seven years. ]
Guess so.
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What would your vows sound like?
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hours later — ]
They'd be short. I don't want a long ceremony, when I'd spend the whole time thinking of how we could already be christening our wedding night instead of embarrassing ourselves in front of our families.
I wouldn't even want to say them. Not because I wouldn't mean them, but because they're just meant to stay between us. You, me, and Greer are the only people who need to know how I feel.
But I'd tell you the truth. That you're the only reason I'm standing here. Not because you're making me marry you, but because I wouldn't be anywhere at all without you. I'd be bones and dirt in Carpathia. I'd be nothing.
You're my whole life. You and Greer. There's nothing else I'd need to say.
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You could never be nothing, because you're everything to me. I wish you'd let yourself be happy. Or have the things that you want.
I want to give you everything in your heart.
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You know that's not true because you know what's in my heart.
[ all his ugliness, the darkness, the lure of running towards death, his warped sense of justice. his burning need to erect walls and towers and actual fucking mountains between ash and anything that might hurt him. doesn't that include him? but with it are all the things he won't let see the light of day — the well of his love, how sweetly his soul sighs for surrender. how small he wants his world to be, and how content it would make him. ]
I have to do what I believe in. You would do the same, even if it hurt me. Even if I hated you.
[ the cruel irony is that he never believed in anything before he met ash, moving through life as if it was meaningless. a giant fucking joke. and then came ash, with his goodness and nobility and discipline, teaching him one hard lesson after another about what it meant to be a real man and not a waste of goddamn space. ]
Do you hate me?
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Of course you do.
( but what is it he believes in? ash's inability to handle the problem at hand. it's the cyclical nature of stories, that once again tragedy echoed from hundreds of years ago, hazel-groved and acorn-crowned — ultimately, even dying isn't enough to convince embry of the truth of all things. it's the same story here as it was home, in america, in d.c., at the presidential debate. i think you're weak.
he put ash's ring all while running against him. the no hard feelings of a political campaign. i love you, but i don't trust you. the bottom line. )
I don't hate you.
Sometimes I want to strangle you, and other times I want to fuck you in half. Other times still, I want to lock you away somewhere only I have access to, and make your whole world start and end with me.
But I don't hate you. I'm not capable of it.