( ash keeps his expression carefully blank as bucky unloads, although he can't help pinching his brows together as super soldier first leaves his lips, alongside the term test subject. he's not the kind of person who would find any upside to that, largely because being a regular soldier has defined him plenty without the (presumed) molecular restructure of super being latched on. so — empathy hits him, painful and vibrant, to a man he's never met but who he shares a face with. in conjuncture, ash has never been small or slight. and when he was a boy in the midwest of america, half high on carnival food and the drugging effect of a five dollar bill in his pocket, he pulled a sword out of a stone.
hurting for someone he doesn't know isn't all the strange, really. he hurts for the people in carpathia, who his country wants to see dead. he hurts for the people in duplicity, who haven't been given a choice. and he hurts for bucky, the only person who's directly in front of him right now, who's been treated like an object for the last however long. ash pours all his hurting into that — something he can act upon. something useful. )
That's hideous. ( he says, frowning deeply. ) The violation.
( it holds weight that the leader of the free world, who prides himself on freedom for all and the liberty that should be innate to the human experience, would be disturbed by something so sinister. but then — he thinks there are people in his country who don the color red, would who probably disagree with him, shooting their machine guns at flocks of birds. so. maybe it isn't all that implied. ash has no idea how he's going to break the concept of neo-nazis to bucky, but he thinks that's a hurdle they can cross another day. )
A lot of that is instinct to you, right? Pushing yourself. ( a moment of quiet deliberation with himself, as ash leans back and presses his fist to his mouth in thought. he doesn't want to soften bucky's instincts, because he gets the impression they save him more often than they don't. but he can see how problematic it'll be, if ash spanks him and bucky's immediate response is to break his arm. his fingers stretch out, rubbing against his chin. ) I'm not going to put any of these things to the test. I'm not going to hit you harder, just because you can take more. ( he actually cringes at the thought a bit, his eyes tightening in a flinch. ) I'm not going to make you come a lot, just because you can. I think I want to show you restraint. Teach it to you.
( brainwashed was the word bucky had used, earlier. this hydra teaching him to push himself to his limits — it's not dissimilar from ash, actually, except for the fact that ash takes his safety very, very seriously. and it's not really his physical limits that he's pushing, even if that is a part of it — after this conversation, ash is sure he'll never even come close to reaching them. but the mental, the emotional? that's what he's after. physical pain and domination are just tools to get there at the heart of it, that place where quiet calm sits on the other side of every hydra spring trap. following orders. being used in a way that feels good. )
I know it sounds like something you're not used to, something that will be uncomfortable, but I think that's where your peace is. ( ash nods once, more confident that he's said it out loud. ) Not staying up because it's a thing you can do. Not orgasming because you chase the high instead of enjoy the peak. ( and the crux of it — ) Not having to be strong because I'll be strong for you.
...I want to prove I'm more than what they turned me in to.
[To himself, more than anybody else. But to others who know him too. It's what it all comes down to. Hydra wiped all sense of self from him. Turned him in to their weapon and removed his ability to even think of saying no. That control over him was wrested from his hands. Was taken without any kind of consent.
This is different in ways that he's starting to accept that he wants. And more importantly, understand that he needs.
Where Hydra took control, Ash is asking for it. Where Hydra used him for their own gains, Ash has made it clear that it's for both of their benefits. There's still an element of control, of course. Of power being held over him. But it's consensual. The very fact they're here right now, having this conversation, is proof of that.]
If that means learning to hold back, I'm ready to try.
[Ready to place a level of trust in Ash that very few are granted. But while he really doesn't know the man well enough to really hand over all power to him, the offer that's on the table is something he doesn't want to pass up on. He wants this to work.]
We've gotta play it safe though. I don't want to hurt you. [He's back to looking at Ash again. Back to seeking out that connection again so he can try to gauge whether his request will make any sense or not.] You said I needed safewords if I need to take a break or stop. If we're doing this, I need you to have a way to stop me too.
[Another defense, just in case things do go wrong. A way to stop him. Or, at the very least, a way to bring him up short. And there's only ten words he knows of that could do it. But as much as he hates the idea of willingly passing any of them over to somebody else, Ash's safety feels more important to him than that.]
Zhelaniye. [It's a quiet mutter. A roughly pushed out word.] It'll get my attention, no matter what's going on.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
hurting for someone he doesn't know isn't all the strange, really. he hurts for the people in carpathia, who his country wants to see dead. he hurts for the people in duplicity, who haven't been given a choice. and he hurts for bucky, the only person who's directly in front of him right now, who's been treated like an object for the last however long. ash pours all his hurting into that — something he can act upon. something useful. )
That's hideous. ( he says, frowning deeply. ) The violation.
( it holds weight that the leader of the free world, who prides himself on freedom for all and the liberty that should be innate to the human experience, would be disturbed by something so sinister. but then — he thinks there are people in his country who don the color red, would who probably disagree with him, shooting their machine guns at flocks of birds. so. maybe it isn't all that implied. ash has no idea how he's going to break the concept of neo-nazis to bucky, but he thinks that's a hurdle they can cross another day. )
A lot of that is instinct to you, right? Pushing yourself. ( a moment of quiet deliberation with himself, as ash leans back and presses his fist to his mouth in thought. he doesn't want to soften bucky's instincts, because he gets the impression they save him more often than they don't. but he can see how problematic it'll be, if ash spanks him and bucky's immediate response is to break his arm. his fingers stretch out, rubbing against his chin. ) I'm not going to put any of these things to the test. I'm not going to hit you harder, just because you can take more. ( he actually cringes at the thought a bit, his eyes tightening in a flinch. ) I'm not going to make you come a lot, just because you can. I think I want to show you restraint. Teach it to you.
( brainwashed was the word bucky had used, earlier. this hydra teaching him to push himself to his limits — it's not dissimilar from ash, actually, except for the fact that ash takes his safety very, very seriously. and it's not really his physical limits that he's pushing, even if that is a part of it — after this conversation, ash is sure he'll never even come close to reaching them. but the mental, the emotional? that's what he's after. physical pain and domination are just tools to get there at the heart of it, that place where quiet calm sits on the other side of every hydra spring trap. following orders. being used in a way that feels good. )
I know it sounds like something you're not used to, something that will be uncomfortable, but I think that's where your peace is. ( ash nods once, more confident that he's said it out loud. ) Not staying up because it's a thing you can do. Not orgasming because you chase the high instead of enjoy the peak. ( and the crux of it — ) Not having to be strong because I'll be strong for you.
no subject
[To himself, more than anybody else. But to others who know him too. It's what it all comes down to. Hydra wiped all sense of self from him. Turned him in to their weapon and removed his ability to even think of saying no. That control over him was wrested from his hands. Was taken without any kind of consent.
This is different in ways that he's starting to accept that he wants. And more importantly, understand that he needs.
Where Hydra took control, Ash is asking for it. Where Hydra used him for their own gains, Ash has made it clear that it's for both of their benefits. There's still an element of control, of course. Of power being held over him. But it's consensual. The very fact they're here right now, having this conversation, is proof of that.]
If that means learning to hold back, I'm ready to try.
[Ready to place a level of trust in Ash that very few are granted. But while he really doesn't know the man well enough to really hand over all power to him, the offer that's on the table is something he doesn't want to pass up on. He wants this to work.]
We've gotta play it safe though. I don't want to hurt you. [He's back to looking at Ash again. Back to seeking out that connection again so he can try to gauge whether his request will make any sense or not.] You said I needed safewords if I need to take a break or stop. If we're doing this, I need you to have a way to stop me too.
[Another defense, just in case things do go wrong. A way to stop him. Or, at the very least, a way to bring him up short. And there's only ten words he knows of that could do it. But as much as he hates the idea of willingly passing any of them over to somebody else, Ash's safety feels more important to him than that.]
Zhelaniye. [It's a quiet mutter. A roughly pushed out word.] It'll get my attention, no matter what's going on.