...I want to prove I'm more than what they turned me in to.
[To himself, more than anybody else. But to others who know him too. It's what it all comes down to. Hydra wiped all sense of self from him. Turned him in to their weapon and removed his ability to even think of saying no. That control over him was wrested from his hands. Was taken without any kind of consent.
This is different in ways that he's starting to accept that he wants. And more importantly, understand that he needs.
Where Hydra took control, Ash is asking for it. Where Hydra used him for their own gains, Ash has made it clear that it's for both of their benefits. There's still an element of control, of course. Of power being held over him. But it's consensual. The very fact they're here right now, having this conversation, is proof of that.]
If that means learning to hold back, I'm ready to try.
[Ready to place a level of trust in Ash that very few are granted. But while he really doesn't know the man well enough to really hand over all power to him, the offer that's on the table is something he doesn't want to pass up on. He wants this to work.]
We've gotta play it safe though. I don't want to hurt you. [He's back to looking at Ash again. Back to seeking out that connection again so he can try to gauge whether his request will make any sense or not.] You said I needed safewords if I need to take a break or stop. If we're doing this, I need you to have a way to stop me too.
[Another defense, just in case things do go wrong. A way to stop him. Or, at the very least, a way to bring him up short. And there's only ten words he knows of that could do it. But as much as he hates the idea of willingly passing any of them over to somebody else, Ash's safety feels more important to him than that.]
Zhelaniye. [It's a quiet mutter. A roughly pushed out word.] It'll get my attention, no matter what's going on.
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[To himself, more than anybody else. But to others who know him too. It's what it all comes down to. Hydra wiped all sense of self from him. Turned him in to their weapon and removed his ability to even think of saying no. That control over him was wrested from his hands. Was taken without any kind of consent.
This is different in ways that he's starting to accept that he wants. And more importantly, understand that he needs.
Where Hydra took control, Ash is asking for it. Where Hydra used him for their own gains, Ash has made it clear that it's for both of their benefits. There's still an element of control, of course. Of power being held over him. But it's consensual. The very fact they're here right now, having this conversation, is proof of that.]
If that means learning to hold back, I'm ready to try.
[Ready to place a level of trust in Ash that very few are granted. But while he really doesn't know the man well enough to really hand over all power to him, the offer that's on the table is something he doesn't want to pass up on. He wants this to work.]
We've gotta play it safe though. I don't want to hurt you. [He's back to looking at Ash again. Back to seeking out that connection again so he can try to gauge whether his request will make any sense or not.] You said I needed safewords if I need to take a break or stop. If we're doing this, I need you to have a way to stop me too.
[Another defense, just in case things do go wrong. A way to stop him. Or, at the very least, a way to bring him up short. And there's only ten words he knows of that could do it. But as much as he hates the idea of willingly passing any of them over to somebody else, Ash's safety feels more important to him than that.]
Zhelaniye. [It's a quiet mutter. A roughly pushed out word.] It'll get my attention, no matter what's going on.