( it does feel distinctly like a deliberation, like whatever goes on behind closed doors between the defense and prosecution when a recess gets called. the only thing on trial is bucky's worth, though — and perhaps a little of ash's as well. bucky doesn't want to hurt and ash doesn't want to lie. he knows his answer well before the question even leaves bucky's mouth, like the fabric of bdsm relationships is just woven into him, down to the very core. he knows exactly what he wants, always, and he knows it's better to be upfront than to smudge the truth for bucky's sake. )
I would tell you that it doesn't matter. If I tell you to do something, you do it.
( harsh on the outside, maybe. but some people find the loss of agency freeing, because humans are all oxymorons in their own ways. )
There will probably be a lot of things I tell you to do that you won't want to, because you find them shameful or embarrassing or demeaning. But when we're in that situation, ( he gestures outside the cafe to somewhere else, far in the distance, probably with a bed bolted with manacles in place. ) none of that matters. You don't belong to yourself in that moment, because you belong to me. All of that shame is mine, too. All the pain. Everything that happens will be because it's what I want.
( somewhere in his explanation, ash had leaned forward for emphasis, stressing the seriousness of his point. now, at the tail end of it, he eases back, relaxed in his seat. under the table, he sets his foot down on the outside of bucky's, almost strangely possessive. like he can't have anyone looking at bucky's feet without first seeing his, and knowing he spoken for. )
Safewording is different. If you give me that then I'll stop, undo whatever it is that I've done, and comfort you — through touch or otherwise, we'll need to talk about what's best for you. Once you're settled, we'll talk. About the scene and whatever went wrong, how to improve it or how to avoid it in the future. ( he gestures to whatever sandwich is currently in front of bucky, like royalty. ) Eat.
[For the food. For the permission to eat it. For staying there and answering every one of his questions. And above all else, for making the distinction so abundantly clear that what Ash is after, what he's offering, is nothing like any of Bucky's past experiences. Not when there's an explanation behind it. A way out still openly left on display. He could leave right now, and that would put an end to everything. Or in the future, a single word, and he'll be given back his autonomy.
This isn't torture. Isn't being broken down, a complete loss of self ready to be weaponized. Pain or not, this is different. And the only sense of fear that runs through him at what the future may hold is the fear of the unknown. Something that's as familiar as breathing, even long before the war changed what that unknown held.
By the point he opens his mouth to speak again, he's already finished his third sandwich. Has practically inhaled them all without realizing he's even gotten through the first. But he makes a point of swallowing down what's in his mouth first. Of wiping his face and brushing crumbs off his lap.
And then he's leaning forwards in return. Stares back at Ash with an expression that's far more open, far more relaxed than its been so far. He's made his decision already, even if he hasn't aired it yet.]
The things you ask- [No.] Tell me to do. I ain't always gonna understand it. Do I get to ask questions when that happens?
( there is a shift in ash's expression. subtle, but there. the liquid satisfaction of green eyes seeing an order obeyed, fanning a flame that is ever burning inside of him. ash likes — no, loves being obeyed. it borders on need, as much as air or water. bucky following instruction sustains him, fills him with a thousand different shades of purpose, and longing. more than that, it just — makes him happy. there is bucky, eating because ash told him to. being well because he instructed it. there are sunning cats in heaps of catnip that look less pleased than him, right now.
he picks at his own food once bucky has taken off, a single sandwich to bucky's three. he really can pack it away. having that one boost of bucky's obedience seems to have changed ash in a small, silent way — less tense, he seems more fun. less serious. )
The answer will almost always be because I told you to, or because it gives me pleasure. But you can ask. ( he wipes his mouth off on a napkin, giving a boyish tilt to his head. ) We can always talk about whatever we want to happen before the scene takes place. I, ( he coughs, a little embarrassed. ) I could probably stand to do that more, anyway. I can be a little impulsive, when it comes to domming. I forget to ask permission.
( he'll have to be more careful with bucky, naturally. but that's okay — no two relationships are ever mirrors of each other, and he has to do what he can to make it the best for bucky. if that means thoroughly explaining all the debauched ways ash intends to have him on any particular day, then so be it. )
Anyway, my turn. This serum.
( apparently there's no question in that at all — ash just looks at him and waits. bucky can disclose as much or as little as he likes, as much as he thinks ash should know. )
[There's a clarification he probably needs to make. Something to make it clear to Ash that it's his lack of experience rather than the reasoning behind it that'll lead to questions. Giving up control, letting the other man make those decisions because it's something Ash wants. That, he can deal with. But not understanding the actions he needs to perform to do that. The world's moved on a lot since the forties. And his time here hasn't gotten him anywhere close to caught up.
It's the final statement though that keeps him from voicing his rebuttal. As much as he'd like to leave all talk of his past in the past, he knows it can't be avoided. Not when Ash will likely see what the serum is capable of some point soon. Bruises aren't going to stick as long. Restraints aren't going to hold as well. If Ash is going to be in control of him, he needs to be able to go in to this with both eyes open.]
That friend I showed you. Before the war, he didn't even hit a hundred pounds soaking wet. Got sick from everything. A breeze would've knocked him down. [Yet despite just how many times he nearly lost Steve during those years, he sounds nothing but fond about it. About those memories of a life that was so much simpler.]
When the war started, he kept trying to enlist. Got rejected every time. Right up until he caught the eye of a doctor who thought he'd be the perfect test subject to get turned in to a super soldier. However they did it, it worked. Now he looks a whole lot like you.
[It's all a backstory. A lead in to more. To the parts that are more relevant to him directly. To what was done to him. His gaze slips away though. Drops to the table, to the food still waiting to be eaten. His appetite has faded, at least for now. Trying to wrap up everything that was done to him in a few sentences leaves him feeling nauseous enough already, even without having a full stomach to accompany it.]
When I was caught the first time, I was experimented on. Hydra wanted a supersoldier of their own. So why risk one of theirs when they can just test it on one of their prisoners instead?
[The tension returns alongside the rhetoric. Alongside memories of clinging to his rank and serial number. The only words said while he'd been in their sight. There's the cold press of metal against his back. The feel of straps holding him down. The constant drip of water-
He sucks in a sudden breath, the fingers of his right hand almost crushed under the pressure from his left. But it's enough. It works. Because the words are flowing again almost instantly.]
I've got a knock-off version of the serum in me. Means I'm stronger than I used to be. Faster. Survived a fall that should've killed me. I heal quicker than normal too. Can keep going for days without sleep, while running on empty. [A wry look slips onto his face he adds-] And yeah, like I said earlier. Means I can come a whole lot of times in a row too.
( ash keeps his expression carefully blank as bucky unloads, although he can't help pinching his brows together as super soldier first leaves his lips, alongside the term test subject. he's not the kind of person who would find any upside to that, largely because being a regular soldier has defined him plenty without the (presumed) molecular restructure of super being latched on. so — empathy hits him, painful and vibrant, to a man he's never met but who he shares a face with. in conjuncture, ash has never been small or slight. and when he was a boy in the midwest of america, half high on carnival food and the drugging effect of a five dollar bill in his pocket, he pulled a sword out of a stone.
hurting for someone he doesn't know isn't all the strange, really. he hurts for the people in carpathia, who his country wants to see dead. he hurts for the people in duplicity, who haven't been given a choice. and he hurts for bucky, the only person who's directly in front of him right now, who's been treated like an object for the last however long. ash pours all his hurting into that — something he can act upon. something useful. )
That's hideous. ( he says, frowning deeply. ) The violation.
( it holds weight that the leader of the free world, who prides himself on freedom for all and the liberty that should be innate to the human experience, would be disturbed by something so sinister. but then — he thinks there are people in his country who don the color red, would who probably disagree with him, shooting their machine guns at flocks of birds. so. maybe it isn't all that implied. ash has no idea how he's going to break the concept of neo-nazis to bucky, but he thinks that's a hurdle they can cross another day. )
A lot of that is instinct to you, right? Pushing yourself. ( a moment of quiet deliberation with himself, as ash leans back and presses his fist to his mouth in thought. he doesn't want to soften bucky's instincts, because he gets the impression they save him more often than they don't. but he can see how problematic it'll be, if ash spanks him and bucky's immediate response is to break his arm. his fingers stretch out, rubbing against his chin. ) I'm not going to put any of these things to the test. I'm not going to hit you harder, just because you can take more. ( he actually cringes at the thought a bit, his eyes tightening in a flinch. ) I'm not going to make you come a lot, just because you can. I think I want to show you restraint. Teach it to you.
( brainwashed was the word bucky had used, earlier. this hydra teaching him to push himself to his limits — it's not dissimilar from ash, actually, except for the fact that ash takes his safety very, very seriously. and it's not really his physical limits that he's pushing, even if that is a part of it — after this conversation, ash is sure he'll never even come close to reaching them. but the mental, the emotional? that's what he's after. physical pain and domination are just tools to get there at the heart of it, that place where quiet calm sits on the other side of every hydra spring trap. following orders. being used in a way that feels good. )
I know it sounds like something you're not used to, something that will be uncomfortable, but I think that's where your peace is. ( ash nods once, more confident that he's said it out loud. ) Not staying up because it's a thing you can do. Not orgasming because you chase the high instead of enjoy the peak. ( and the crux of it — ) Not having to be strong because I'll be strong for you.
...I want to prove I'm more than what they turned me in to.
[To himself, more than anybody else. But to others who know him too. It's what it all comes down to. Hydra wiped all sense of self from him. Turned him in to their weapon and removed his ability to even think of saying no. That control over him was wrested from his hands. Was taken without any kind of consent.
This is different in ways that he's starting to accept that he wants. And more importantly, understand that he needs.
Where Hydra took control, Ash is asking for it. Where Hydra used him for their own gains, Ash has made it clear that it's for both of their benefits. There's still an element of control, of course. Of power being held over him. But it's consensual. The very fact they're here right now, having this conversation, is proof of that.]
If that means learning to hold back, I'm ready to try.
[Ready to place a level of trust in Ash that very few are granted. But while he really doesn't know the man well enough to really hand over all power to him, the offer that's on the table is something he doesn't want to pass up on. He wants this to work.]
We've gotta play it safe though. I don't want to hurt you. [He's back to looking at Ash again. Back to seeking out that connection again so he can try to gauge whether his request will make any sense or not.] You said I needed safewords if I need to take a break or stop. If we're doing this, I need you to have a way to stop me too.
[Another defense, just in case things do go wrong. A way to stop him. Or, at the very least, a way to bring him up short. And there's only ten words he knows of that could do it. But as much as he hates the idea of willingly passing any of them over to somebody else, Ash's safety feels more important to him than that.]
Zhelaniye. [It's a quiet mutter. A roughly pushed out word.] It'll get my attention, no matter what's going on.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I would tell you that it doesn't matter. If I tell you to do something, you do it.
( harsh on the outside, maybe. but some people find the loss of agency freeing, because humans are all oxymorons in their own ways. )
There will probably be a lot of things I tell you to do that you won't want to, because you find them shameful or embarrassing or demeaning. But when we're in that situation, ( he gestures outside the cafe to somewhere else, far in the distance, probably with a bed bolted with manacles in place. ) none of that matters. You don't belong to yourself in that moment, because you belong to me. All of that shame is mine, too. All the pain. Everything that happens will be because it's what I want.
( somewhere in his explanation, ash had leaned forward for emphasis, stressing the seriousness of his point. now, at the tail end of it, he eases back, relaxed in his seat. under the table, he sets his foot down on the outside of bucky's, almost strangely possessive. like he can't have anyone looking at bucky's feet without first seeing his, and knowing he spoken for. )
Safewording is different. If you give me that then I'll stop, undo whatever it is that I've done, and comfort you — through touch or otherwise, we'll need to talk about what's best for you. Once you're settled, we'll talk. About the scene and whatever went wrong, how to improve it or how to avoid it in the future. ( he gestures to whatever sandwich is currently in front of bucky, like royalty. ) Eat.
no subject
[For the food. For the permission to eat it. For staying there and answering every one of his questions. And above all else, for making the distinction so abundantly clear that what Ash is after, what he's offering, is nothing like any of Bucky's past experiences. Not when there's an explanation behind it. A way out still openly left on display. He could leave right now, and that would put an end to everything. Or in the future, a single word, and he'll be given back his autonomy.
This isn't torture. Isn't being broken down, a complete loss of self ready to be weaponized. Pain or not, this is different. And the only sense of fear that runs through him at what the future may hold is the fear of the unknown. Something that's as familiar as breathing, even long before the war changed what that unknown held.
By the point he opens his mouth to speak again, he's already finished his third sandwich. Has practically inhaled them all without realizing he's even gotten through the first. But he makes a point of swallowing down what's in his mouth first. Of wiping his face and brushing crumbs off his lap.
And then he's leaning forwards in return. Stares back at Ash with an expression that's far more open, far more relaxed than its been so far. He's made his decision already, even if he hasn't aired it yet.]
The things you ask- [No.] Tell me to do. I ain't always gonna understand it. Do I get to ask questions when that happens?
no subject
he picks at his own food once bucky has taken off, a single sandwich to bucky's three. he really can pack it away. having that one boost of bucky's obedience seems to have changed ash in a small, silent way — less tense, he seems more fun. less serious. )
The answer will almost always be because I told you to, or because it gives me pleasure. But you can ask. ( he wipes his mouth off on a napkin, giving a boyish tilt to his head. ) We can always talk about whatever we want to happen before the scene takes place. I, ( he coughs, a little embarrassed. ) I could probably stand to do that more, anyway. I can be a little impulsive, when it comes to domming. I forget to ask permission.
( he'll have to be more careful with bucky, naturally. but that's okay — no two relationships are ever mirrors of each other, and he has to do what he can to make it the best for bucky. if that means thoroughly explaining all the debauched ways ash intends to have him on any particular day, then so be it. )
Anyway, my turn. This serum.
( apparently there's no question in that at all — ash just looks at him and waits. bucky can disclose as much or as little as he likes, as much as he thinks ash should know. )
no subject
It's the final statement though that keeps him from voicing his rebuttal. As much as he'd like to leave all talk of his past in the past, he knows it can't be avoided. Not when Ash will likely see what the serum is capable of some point soon. Bruises aren't going to stick as long. Restraints aren't going to hold as well. If Ash is going to be in control of him, he needs to be able to go in to this with both eyes open.]
That friend I showed you. Before the war, he didn't even hit a hundred pounds soaking wet. Got sick from everything. A breeze would've knocked him down. [Yet despite just how many times he nearly lost Steve during those years, he sounds nothing but fond about it. About those memories of a life that was so much simpler.]
When the war started, he kept trying to enlist. Got rejected every time. Right up until he caught the eye of a doctor who thought he'd be the perfect test subject to get turned in to a super soldier. However they did it, it worked. Now he looks a whole lot like you.
[It's all a backstory. A lead in to more. To the parts that are more relevant to him directly. To what was done to him. His gaze slips away though. Drops to the table, to the food still waiting to be eaten. His appetite has faded, at least for now. Trying to wrap up everything that was done to him in a few sentences leaves him feeling nauseous enough already, even without having a full stomach to accompany it.]
When I was caught the first time, I was experimented on. Hydra wanted a supersoldier of their own. So why risk one of theirs when they can just test it on one of their prisoners instead?
[The tension returns alongside the rhetoric. Alongside memories of clinging to his rank and serial number. The only words said while he'd been in their sight. There's the cold press of metal against his back. The feel of straps holding him down. The constant drip of water-
He sucks in a sudden breath, the fingers of his right hand almost crushed under the pressure from his left. But it's enough. It works. Because the words are flowing again almost instantly.]
I've got a knock-off version of the serum in me. Means I'm stronger than I used to be. Faster. Survived a fall that should've killed me. I heal quicker than normal too. Can keep going for days without sleep, while running on empty. [A wry look slips onto his face he adds-] And yeah, like I said earlier. Means I can come a whole lot of times in a row too.
no subject
hurting for someone he doesn't know isn't all the strange, really. he hurts for the people in carpathia, who his country wants to see dead. he hurts for the people in duplicity, who haven't been given a choice. and he hurts for bucky, the only person who's directly in front of him right now, who's been treated like an object for the last however long. ash pours all his hurting into that — something he can act upon. something useful. )
That's hideous. ( he says, frowning deeply. ) The violation.
( it holds weight that the leader of the free world, who prides himself on freedom for all and the liberty that should be innate to the human experience, would be disturbed by something so sinister. but then — he thinks there are people in his country who don the color red, would who probably disagree with him, shooting their machine guns at flocks of birds. so. maybe it isn't all that implied. ash has no idea how he's going to break the concept of neo-nazis to bucky, but he thinks that's a hurdle they can cross another day. )
A lot of that is instinct to you, right? Pushing yourself. ( a moment of quiet deliberation with himself, as ash leans back and presses his fist to his mouth in thought. he doesn't want to soften bucky's instincts, because he gets the impression they save him more often than they don't. but he can see how problematic it'll be, if ash spanks him and bucky's immediate response is to break his arm. his fingers stretch out, rubbing against his chin. ) I'm not going to put any of these things to the test. I'm not going to hit you harder, just because you can take more. ( he actually cringes at the thought a bit, his eyes tightening in a flinch. ) I'm not going to make you come a lot, just because you can. I think I want to show you restraint. Teach it to you.
( brainwashed was the word bucky had used, earlier. this hydra teaching him to push himself to his limits — it's not dissimilar from ash, actually, except for the fact that ash takes his safety very, very seriously. and it's not really his physical limits that he's pushing, even if that is a part of it — after this conversation, ash is sure he'll never even come close to reaching them. but the mental, the emotional? that's what he's after. physical pain and domination are just tools to get there at the heart of it, that place where quiet calm sits on the other side of every hydra spring trap. following orders. being used in a way that feels good. )
I know it sounds like something you're not used to, something that will be uncomfortable, but I think that's where your peace is. ( ash nods once, more confident that he's said it out loud. ) Not staying up because it's a thing you can do. Not orgasming because you chase the high instead of enjoy the peak. ( and the crux of it — ) Not having to be strong because I'll be strong for you.
no subject
[To himself, more than anybody else. But to others who know him too. It's what it all comes down to. Hydra wiped all sense of self from him. Turned him in to their weapon and removed his ability to even think of saying no. That control over him was wrested from his hands. Was taken without any kind of consent.
This is different in ways that he's starting to accept that he wants. And more importantly, understand that he needs.
Where Hydra took control, Ash is asking for it. Where Hydra used him for their own gains, Ash has made it clear that it's for both of their benefits. There's still an element of control, of course. Of power being held over him. But it's consensual. The very fact they're here right now, having this conversation, is proof of that.]
If that means learning to hold back, I'm ready to try.
[Ready to place a level of trust in Ash that very few are granted. But while he really doesn't know the man well enough to really hand over all power to him, the offer that's on the table is something he doesn't want to pass up on. He wants this to work.]
We've gotta play it safe though. I don't want to hurt you. [He's back to looking at Ash again. Back to seeking out that connection again so he can try to gauge whether his request will make any sense or not.] You said I needed safewords if I need to take a break or stop. If we're doing this, I need you to have a way to stop me too.
[Another defense, just in case things do go wrong. A way to stop him. Or, at the very least, a way to bring him up short. And there's only ten words he knows of that could do it. But as much as he hates the idea of willingly passing any of them over to somebody else, Ash's safety feels more important to him than that.]
Zhelaniye. [It's a quiet mutter. A roughly pushed out word.] It'll get my attention, no matter what's going on.