( he has the extreme desire to grab bucky by his broad shoulders and shake him, until some sense falls out of him. failing that, the only thing ash has: honesty. )
I canāt be acquaintances with you. I love you. The only thing I want is to be old and gray and happy with you, on a farm, with goats. Maybe as old as you are now, if Iām lucky. I canāt be with Embry. He doesnāt want me. Iāll make things right with Nat ā Iāll start from the ground up if I have to. You will not disappear from my life just because you donāt want to be with me. A knife couldnāt carve you out of me. Youāre here, and thatās where youāll stay. If you want to move on, you can. Itās okay. But Iām never moving on from you ā I love you too much.
[The response is read, and read again. But then the phone is simply set down, abandoned on his bed in favor of heading outside for a run. Of the four-legged variety. It's easier that way. He doesn't need to think. Doesn't need to do anything more than be the animal he's been since the moment Hydra first got their hands on him.
So his reply doesn't come for a long time. Not until the sun starts to peek up over the horizon, and Bucky's crawled his way back inside again. Shifting may not be a solution to his problems, but it at least gave him a chance to escape. At least for a little while.]
you went home natasha moved on without me
[Granted, that's not exactly how things went. But pushing Natasha away had been the only way he could protect himself.]
she died, at home tony too then steve left me behind i can't do this again
( after years of handling embry, he should know better than to just ā spill his heart and expect it not to be trampled. this is the way of things. ash, feeling too much, and his lovers, not wanting to hear it. the wait hurts. but ash doesn't sleep and so he responds when bucky texts, frayed at his edges by the prolonged silence.
he used to sleep better, when bucky was in his bed. )
I am not allowing you to live a life in isolation. I can't control what happens. I can't promise you tomorrow, though I wish I could. All I have is right now, and all I can give you is the guarantee I will never give up on us, even if you do.
[It's himself. People keep leaving, and he's the common factor. Who can blame them though, when he has nothing to offer?
There's another delay again. Nowhere near as long as the last. But noticeable enough. He's trying to work out what to say next. How to explain what he wants from all this. Or rather, what he needs.]
find me
[Not in the physical sense. That comes hand in hand with the rest. No, he needs Ash to find him. The version of him that he used to be. The man that Ash tore to pieces and rebuilt from the ground up. The man who had a purpose. One he chose to follow.
He needs to be that person again. Even if he doesn't want to take that risk.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
you could have a relationship with him here
and we can just [How to put this...] be acquaintances
[Cause he doesn't think a straightforward friendship will ever be on the cards for them. Not after everything they've already shared together.]
natasha's here
she doesn't remember duplicity
[One less problem for him to deal with, at least.]
no subject
( he has the extreme desire to grab bucky by his broad shoulders and shake him, until some sense falls out of him. failing that, the only thing ash has: honesty. )
I canāt be acquaintances with you. I love you. The only thing I want is to be old and gray and happy with you, on a farm, with goats. Maybe as old as you are now, if Iām lucky.
I canāt be with Embry. He doesnāt want me. Iāll make things right with Nat ā Iāll start from the ground up if I have to.
You will not disappear from my life just because you donāt want to be with me. A knife couldnāt carve you out of me. Youāre here, and thatās where youāll stay. If you want to move on, you can. Itās okay. But Iām never moving on from you ā I love you too much.
no subject
So his reply doesn't come for a long time. Not until the sun starts to peek up over the horizon, and Bucky's crawled his way back inside again. Shifting may not be a solution to his problems, but it at least gave him a chance to escape. At least for a little while.]
you went home
natasha moved on without me
[Granted, that's not exactly how things went. But pushing Natasha away had been the only way he could protect himself.]
she died, at home
tony too
then steve left me behind
i can't do this again
no subject
he used to sleep better, when bucky was in his bed. )
I am not allowing you to live a life in isolation.
I can't control what happens. I can't promise you tomorrow, though I wish I could. All I have is right now, and all I can give you is the guarantee I will never give up on us, even if you do.
no subject
[It's himself. People keep leaving, and he's the common factor. Who can blame them though, when he has nothing to offer?
There's another delay again. Nowhere near as long as the last. But noticeable enough. He's trying to work out what to say next. How to explain what he wants from all this. Or rather, what he needs.]
find me
[Not in the physical sense. That comes hand in hand with the rest. No, he needs Ash to find him. The version of him that he used to be. The man that Ash tore to pieces and rebuilt from the ground up. The man who had a purpose. One he chose to follow.
He needs to be that person again. Even if he doesn't want to take that risk.]