[Its been well over a month now since he was last in a room with Ash. Longer event, since he sought out his company. Which is why he finds himself stopping short when he sneaks his way into Ash's empty bedroom one day. Its familiarity almost brings him to his knees. That scent and the comfort it brings almost has him turning tail and running. But ultimately, he knows he has to do this. Knows that he's not helping either of them by dragging things out for so long.
So, when Ash finally goes back to his room that day, he'll find one of his own jackets, neatly folded and set down on the foot of his bed. One that Bucky had claimed many months ago. It's freshly laundered, all traces of their shared scent lost in the wash. On top of it sits the copy of The Little Prince that he'd gained during his first months here. One that Ash himself has flipped through when he'd come to his room once before. And tucked into the first page, there's a folded piece of paper. A hand written letter that'd taken far too long to be penned out.]
Ash,
I know I'm taking the easy way out here by writing this instead of saying it to your face. Maybe I'm a coward. Or maybe I just know that I won't be able to say any of this to you if we're in the same room together.
I love you. That hasn't changed, no matter what I've said to you here. I don't think that feeling will ever go away, because you changed me. Completely. But there's no way to go back to what we had before. You know it just as much as I do. And I've accepted that. I've had to. And I hope you can too.
Being here is different to being in Duplicity. That place pushed us together, and the mark down my throat kept us there. You gave me everything I didn't realize I needed, and I'll never be able to thank you enough for that. You made me feel human. You made me feel real. And even after they sent you back, you were still there with me. You're the only reason I didn't give up completely, after everything I've done. Or I guess, as you'd probably remind me, everything I was made to do.
This isn't Duplicity though. Here, you have Embry and Greer in a way you weren't able to there or back in your world. You deserve that, and I refuse to get in the way of any of it. You're too important. To me, to them, to anyone you turn your attention to. They need all of you. Your mind, your heart, your soul. They'll protect it, they same way I know you'll do everything you can to protect theirs.
You've already given up so much for everybody else, so please do me one last favor and take what you need from them. Find that happiness and hold on to it. You deserve it. You deserve everything, and I wish I knew how to give you that. But I can't. Embry, Greer. The three of you found your way here to be together. I know you'll do the same once you return home.
I wish I could be there to see it. The life the three of you will build together. The kids you'll have. The farm you said you want. I wish I could watch you grow old and grey. Watch you hold your first grandkid.
I can't be there for any of it. So I need you to promise that you'll do it for me instead. I need to know that you'll fight to have the life you deserve when you go home. Please.
I'll be ok, Ash. I promise you. Whatever the future has in store when I get back, I don't think I have it in me to give up completely. I need to make up for all the mistakes I've made. I need to make amends for all the hurt I've caused. And once I've done that, who knows. Maybe I'll finally find some peace. It won't hold a candle to all the happiness you've given me. But if I find even a fraction of that, it'll be enough.
Whatever happens during the rest of our time here, know that I'm still here if you need me. As a friend, and as an ally. But that's all it can be now. That's all I have left in me to give anymore.
I'm sorry for lying to you before. I'm sorry for trying to hurt you. And I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be.
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Are you okay? Lets meet up.
( when enough time passes that it becomes obvious bucky isn't responding, )
James. Answer me.
two days later.
a week post-steve's arrival.
So, when Ash finally goes back to his room that day, he'll find one of his own jackets, neatly folded and set down on the foot of his bed. One that Bucky had claimed many months ago. It's freshly laundered, all traces of their shared scent lost in the wash. On top of it sits the copy of The Little Prince that he'd gained during his first months here. One that Ash himself has flipped through when he'd come to his room once before. And tucked into the first page, there's a folded piece of paper. A hand written letter that'd taken far too long to be penned out.]