[it would be much easier if he was on the bed cradling tim in a way that didn't put pressure on his surely aching body. sometimes it feels like all he's able to do is hurt him when it's the only thing he ever wanted to avoid - breaking his heart, not keeping a close enough eye on him when he was snatched away, seeing him wince and wheeze with the exertion of just staying awake and in his arms right now. but he doesn't feel as if he's come nearly close enough to have earned that yet, too soon to ask and ruin the chance at least making one small thing right by being here for his boy. it would be more than understandable for tim to push him away, to tell him he has no right to be sorry for all of it now when this is well and truly hawk's fault in so many ways beyond just this moment. it doesn't matter if tim tries to appease him, and while he doubts very much given the tears at the corner of his eyes when he'd tried to lie for hawk's sake moments ago - he genuinely doesn't believe it to be his fault.
small mercies.
not so small: the trauma he'll be dealing with for awhile. it's why hawk had been sitting here, knowing the likelihood of nightmares, night terrors - the uncertainty of waking up in a familiar bed and wondering if he'd succumbed to his injuries or been so brutalized that this was all just a hallucination or a dream of mentally concocted safety to escape the cruel reality that awaited open eyes. hawk remembers it - used to twinge with it every time tim's fingertips gently grazed against the raised fissure of scar tissue on his shoulderblade, even if he'd long since learned to cope with the horrors of war that are far enough behind and were eased by senator smith's good conscience and generous cabin in rugged country.
could he offer that to tim? take him out of the hustle and bustle of the pentagon, grab an airbnb without a word, tell embry he needed some time off? what would he think? would he know? in the heat of the moment, there was no time for subtlety or explaining how he knew tim and why this seemingly meant more to him than just losing a member of their cabinet. he'd tried, but the closer they got the more hawk's stoic mask chipped away, revealing a vulnerability he'd shut off as tightly as possible, buried at the expense of tim's heart. none of them realized there was still an invisible string binding them together forever - not even tim, the one thing hawk would never be able to fully cut off like another limb.
of course he thinks playing the game of pretend is the most important thing in the moment. it's all hawk ever prioritized, and it has him closing his eyes and pressing another tender kiss to tim's temple.]
Embry's fine. Like I told you - he's with Ash, or maybe they're in bed by now, I don't know.
[doesn't really care, either. there's an entire army of secret service and then some to watch over them, but only hawk knows every sensitivity, every expanse of tim's body and what's been broken. he needs to be here. to make it better however he can.]
Skippy - this back and forth...I should have never pretended in the first place.
[the late night calls, the drunken whisper of sweet nothings - only to culminate in hawk striding past in the mornings with little more than a nod of acknowledgment.]
I know you. You're here, and I've got you.
[he sucks in a breath, hating that he doesn't know how tim will react. that he could tell him to go and hawk would really have no defense other than to obey.]
I'll go if you want me to. But I'm not going because of whatever game of pretend I've been making us play.
You're not fine. You've been through the ringer tonight, and if you'll let me - I want to be here for you.
[he sucks in a breath, swallowing hard.]
I want to hold you through the night. I want to know my boy is safe with me at his side.
[ embry and ash will be the safest, most protected men in all of america tonight. that's as it should be, of course, not that anyone would know any different. that's exactly as it should be. no one will know what carpathia did to a faceless presidential aide, and he has no doubt business will go on as usual. it has to.
it doesn't make tim feel any less alone. they found him, they saved him, and he's here safely tucked into the white house where no one can reach him now. he even has hawk with his arms wrapped around him, saying soft things and kissing his hair like he's wanted for the last three or so years and yet it does nothing to soothe the way fear runs cold under his skin.
it's better that he not worry everyone even more. it's better than he accepts and pretends it will go away, even if he knows it won't. none of this will. tim laughlin is doomed to always live a life clouded in some secrecy, isn't he? ]
I don't think you know how to stop pretending.
[ it isn't meant to be mean, but he's sure with how tired he is the words lack the warmth and care that tim on any other day may have. ]
I never know whose turn it is, or what the game is. I don't want you to leave. I never wanted you to leave, but then I think you've always wanted to leave when things were inconvenient. I'm inconvenient now, aren't I?
[ he laughs weakly, leaning a little more heavily into hawk's chest, arm shifting to better accommodate his sore ribs, fingers splaying into the middle of hawk's back. he doesn't skirt the scar beneath the fabric, even though he's acutely aware of it being there, knows the rise and fall of every ridge of skin. ]
I'm not your boy, Hawk. [ this time? he truly does sound tired, sad. because he is. ] Not anymore. I don't know who I am to you anymore, but I am... I am trying to play by the rules because if I can do that at least it doesn't hurt as much. If I play by the rules, no one knows we're... and then they won't come after -
[ damn it. there are the tears again, burning at his eyes and he's glad that his face is dipped and hidden so that maybe hawk won't catch sight of them right off. it'll be in his voice, though - tim was never very good at masking much of anything. ]
You'll be here tonight, and you'll hold me, but when I wake up what will happen? When doctors and nurses come in, when other people show up to question me, because I know - I know they'll want to know and I can't do it alone.
[ he chokes a little at the thought, and god the whole night rushes back to him in a way that makes him feel like he might be sick all over again. he'll have to talk through every detail, swear on a bible he's telling the truth, and re-tell it again and again to every official who needs to know. ]
I can't say no to you. I answer your calls and I can't pull away because I need you, even if you pretend I'm not there. Pretend you don't know me. How long do you pretend until it becomes real? [ it feels so wrong to say it. to admit that all this time he has always needed hawk in some way, even when they weren't truly together. he has always had the man on his heart, in the back of his mind, driving him to become better, different, stronger. but what has hawk needed tim for?
probably nothing.
tim's hand loosens, falling from his back and to the bed. it hurts too much to try and hold him, the way his head aches and sides burn, the way the bruises pinch the way he is bending toward the man in the chair beside the bed. ]
What do I do when you don't need me? When no one does?
[it's not something tim has to bear alone - if nothing else, that's what hawk wants to impart to him tonight. there's a part of him that knows none of this is fair beyond the obvious act of terrorism that was committed right under their noses. it's not fair that tim is stuck alone in the hospital with the one man who abandoned him when things were good and they had talked about a future together. it's not fair that tim's name won't be in the papers - there won't be a crusade of armed men and woman gallantly shipping off to defend his honor like knights of the esteemed round table. and it's not fair that he's meant to just accept these things, that he will because he feels like he has no choice. that's the part hawk has to take to his grave - that this too is his fault, that his very presence is salt to the many wounds he's sustained, only this one is infinitely worse because it's internal. scarred over, maybe never even healed, and here is showing up to rip it wide open again.
christ, he can't even help but physically hurt him either, realizing when he pulls back slightly the way tim is at an odd angle now and it must be twinging every ache. hawk utters out a soft curse, mostly at himself before loosening his grip and pulling his chair in as close as it can possibly be, settling on lacing his ruined hand together with tim's for now and letting all the worry, the care, and the impossible reality of his feelings seep into the clear blue of his eyes.]
Maybe I didn't, before now. Pretending was the only thing that got me through things - things I've never even told you, Skip.
[that's not an admission meant to hurt him further, even if that's what it seems like he can't stop doing whether he means it or not. hawk shakes his head, as if trying to wade through his own guilt and find the right words that can somehow express so much in what will surely be too little. tim doesn't have it in him to be cruel, but he did - still does, and it's fair of him to be wary. jesus, it'd be understandable if he wanted to be mean too - god knows hawk would deserve it.]
Inconvenience was the nicest way to put it at the time. I didn't have the heart to tell you it was survival for me. And it wasn't meant to be a game either, but I see now why it felt that way.
[something breaks in his chest at those words. i'm not your boy, hawk. a pain worse than bloodied knuckles and the edge of a knife scraping against his arm, or even getting socked in the jaw by a trained mercenary. his heart feels torn in two, eyes widening briefly and jaw clenched before he tries to smooth it out on the recollection that this is what he asked for. he needs to hear this. but of course tim - good, sweet worrying tim thinks the cover they've been afforded will somehow shift. put hawk at risk like he probably isn't on some target list already for the stunt he pulled tonight. it's not that he means to - but there's a soft huff of laughter and he squeezes tim's hand gently with a shake of his head.]
Let 'em try and come for me. Think I put a few of their men in the hospital and I'll take my chances at round two.
[it's a terrible attempt at lightening the mood, but he sombers at the rest of tim's admission, the tears and the tremble of his shoulders and that gut-wrenching forlorn note in his voice. god. not his boy - not like this. he reaches up again to cup his jaw gently, to tip his face so he can look at hawk while he runs his thumb along the back of his palm in soothing circles.]
I'll hold you tonight. I'll be here holding you tomorrow morning. And when they come to get all the details you don't wanna remember, I'll be right by your side holding your hand when it's too hard to recall.
[what about after that? tim will want to know. maybe pretending is what he wanted before, even if he tried not to reach out and stay away even as he ached with loneliness for the boy he didn't plan on seeing every day and reminding him of the good times. maybe he wanted them to be strangers - but that was before the last 24 hours changed everything. put into perspective what he almost lost.
fuck it.]
I can't live without you in my life anymore. I don't want to.
[there's a ragged breath, an exhale like he's letting it all out now, putting it on the line in a way that's real and vulnerable and overwhelming to him too.]
Ash needs you. The Cabinet needs you. Senator Johnson needs you.
But more than that - I need you. Never stopped, by the way. I've just got more practice at hiding it.
[there's a pause, searching tim's face for any reaction because he knows it's probably not what he was expecting to hear. and hell - maybe it's too late for this. maybe he deserves to rail at hawk and send him away. he'd just be guaranteeing a night with him spent in a chair on the other side of the door, is all.]
I'm sorry. For all of it. For waiting until now to tell you when you almost -
[his throat tightens, emotion swelling in it as he shakes his head more furiously than before.]
Look, you don't have to think about any of this now. But at least answer me - tell me if I can get into bed and hold you tonight.
Please, Tim. Be my boy again, even if it's just for a little while.
[ hawk curses and moves, twining their hands together instead of letting tim stay bent and gathered at his chest. he misses the familiar warmth of him almost immediately, and he blinks up at the man, a little dazed, a little hurt. this is what they will be, isn't it? two men divided by the line of a hospital bed, playing pretend in a desperate attempt to save one another.
but there's the admission from hawk - so many things left unsaid, and there the hurt truly shows in tim's face. inconvenient and untrustworthy. he's learning so much about himself today. ]
Why didn't you tell me? That's all you needed to do, Hawk. I just wanted to understand. I couldn't read your mind and if it was survival for you then that's fine too. Why don't you understand that - I just - ... I just wanted to be with you. Whatever that looked like. I would hide, I would run away, I would pretend we were on the battlefield if that's what it took.
[ his voice chokes up, goes thick and he shakes his head, pulling his hand away from hawk's then and scrubbing furiously at his burning eyes. when he speaks again, his voice goes small. ]
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?
[ the hand on his cheek guides him to look up and tim wants everything in the world to be furiously angry with hawk. he is, in a way, but he's more crushed and hurt than anything. nothing will soothe the aching, open wound that never stitched itself up. it just left itself be, bleeding out slowly, festering at the edges of every dream or memory. it's no different now, really, but it feels tighter. harder to breathe.
he put so much faith into this man, put so much trust and hope and thought into this man, and for what? he had let himself dream of a future behind closed doors and had cherished the thought of hidden kisses and stolen touches. of dinners had with the curtains pulled and snuggling on a couch with a movie somewhere where no one could see. it hadn't been what he thought he'd have, but having hawk was the only thing he truly needed.
the rest would come out in the wash eventually.
hawk promises he will be at his side and tim isn't sure he can make out the words for the ringing in his ears, the tears that pour down his face, or the way his hands shake. even with hawk reaching for one of his again, his whole body feels numb, and if he closes his eyes tightly, he can zoom far, far out and watch them. tim looks bad, feels worse. hawk, with wide and desperate eyes, pleads with tim and rips himself open at the chest to try and convey something.
if he could run away right now, tim would. he would climb out of the bed, out the door, and into the cool, night air because everything in this room feels suddenly, desperately loud. it feels close and smothering, and when tim opens his eyes again and sees hawk searching his face for something, anything, the knows that he has to answer.
why now? why me? why should i trust you? why should i believe you? why should i let myself get hurt again because that's the only thing that will ever come of all this? tell me tell me tell me. ]
I'm afraid, Hawk. Of you.
[ he feels so, so small when he says it, feels as though his bones have turned to glass and even the soft hand at his cheek could break him. ]
I... I want to be your boy. I want you here in bed, holding me. I want you here tomorrow, and the days after that. But I'm so scared. I can't... I can't do that again. Believe you when you tell me I'm inconvenient. When you lay all my faults out like your to-do list. Check off every single one to make sure I put one foot in front of the other. I'm... I'm so afraid.
[ he's shaking, he realizes, and he grips hawk's hand tighter, sniffles wetly and turns his face into hawk's hand. ]
I've been here. All this time. I talked you to sleep while you were drunk. I brought you coffee the morning after. I tried writing you, when I was overseas. I... I've been here. You just refused to see me.
[ he sniffles again, hiccupping softly as he tries desperately to catch his breath. the injuries from the kidnapping hurt, but this? this feels like something has cleaved his chest into two. ]
I need you here, right now. I need you to stay, because I can't do any of this by myself, and I'm... I'm so tired. I'll... I'll be your boy again. For a little while. Just - stay. Hold me. Pretend for just tonight that you still care about me like you used to.
[there he goes again - unintentionally hurting tim again in every action, everything he says and all the things he'd left unsaid too for this very reason. the position was straining him - he let go out not out of the desire to be apart, but to ease the ache. his own fears (because that's what they were - fears) lead him to take the most drastic measures possible, to cut out all vulnerability and treat his own heart like a liability. it was never about tim's trustworthiness or lack thereof - it was about his own inability to open himself up to anyone in an emotional capacity outside the briefest glimpses of shared intimacy. tim's eyes prick with tears again, the warmth of his hand snatched away and leaving hawk's bruised and sore in a way he knows he deserves likely tenfold for what he's inflicted beneath the surface of his boy's heart.
so he cups his cheek again anyway. reaches for his other hand, squeezing it gently and tipping his head so he can lean in again for as much closeness as he's allowed. there is something pained in his expression, eyes glassy and jaw tight as he swallows hard around a lump that just keeps growing in his throat. that vulnerability he tried so damn hard to bury - scars he never revealed in himself.]
It wasn't about trusting you, Skippy. I did what I thought I had to do to live my life the way everyone expected me to. The way I expected myself to. But it's not really living that way, is it?
[he offers a self-deprecating twist of his lips, thumb brushing at the tear tracks down his cheeks to try and wipe them away, keeping the ones threatening to accumulate in the corners of his eyes and against his own dark lashes at bay. tim should be afraid of him, after everything he's been put through. two years of walking on eggshells, opening himself up at every turn when hawk couldn't stay away, only to be beat down and have the door closed in his face time and time again. to be greeted by a perfect stranger, not the man who warmed his bed and held him against his chest instead of leaving in the middle of the night. not the one who gifted him a pair of cufflinks with his initials for christmas, or wears the tie tim gave him the same night whenever tim isn't in the office to see it because it feels like keeping him close.
fuck. of course he's missed him. of course he's wanted - some way to balance that with what their reality needed to be. except it had never really been about closed doors and stolen moments, had it? it was hawk, running from the emotions he'd have to face in staying with tim. accepting them at face value and giving them a name, an outlet. one he wasn't capable of - christ, maybe he still isn't in plenty of ways. but tonight has taught him nothing other than he has to try. cliché as it sounds - tomorrow isn't guaranteed, and carpathia is filled with scumbags he'd like to see under army-issue steel-toed boots under the banner of war.]
I know. You've got every right to be.
[it kills him to feel tim tremble, to see him so wracked and devastated with his physical suffering and the heartache he's pent up.]
I hurt you deeply. It's not enough just to offer you an "I'm sorry".
[hawk sucks in a breath, worried this is the part tim is going to ask him to leave. but of course - his boy is too good, too sweet to give up on him, even if he knows he doesn't fucking deserve it.]
I want this. Saying it isn't enough, I know - so I'm just gonna have to show you.
[and here he releases his grip in both spots, pressing up from his chair and not even caring about the fact that normally he'd strip down to his boxers alone - he slides a hand under tim's pillow at first, lifting him upright for a brief moment so he can shift the grip underneath his shoulders. his legs swing up, knees knocking gently against tim's as his other arm wraps around to cradle him there, lips finding his temple and pressing a tender, lingering kiss there. there we go, easy does it is murmured softly against his skin.]
I'm staying. All night, all day - as long as you need. As long as you want me to be here with you.
[his voice drops to a whisper, not least of all because the thought of keeping his voice steady right now seems too difficult to manage.]
None of it was pretend. That's the part you're missing - the absence was pretending it didn't kill me every goddamn day thinking about what could have been. Drinking myself to sleep, coming home to an empty apartment and a cold bed.
[the fingers against his shoulder lift, brushing a few strands of hair from his forehead and swiping again at the damp corners of his eyes.]
You're still my boy. You'll always be my boy, Tim.
You're right. An apology isn't enough this time. Saying that isn't enough. I don't know what will be.
[ tim laughlin will never be able to shed his honestly, his earnestness. the very fabric of him is made up of something so genuine and dedicated that anything outside of that feels like such an aberration. it feels impossible. and even now, when he wants to lie and try to protect himself, he can't.
it would be easy to lie to himself and say there is no danger in running back into the arms of hawkins fuller. that he could be wrapped up in this man and no harm would come from him. but tim knows better. he's lived in the ebbs and flows of hawk's cruelty and kindness, wavered back and forth between the man who loved him deeply, and the man who could not be rid of him faster.
but when hawk stands suddenly, tim leans back, concerned and confused and suddenly feeling the unmistakable desperation to reach for him and hold on, even if he knows he should let hawk leave. if the man wants to walk out, then that will be the real answer, won't it?
he doesn't. tim feels the arm under his shoulders, watches hawk slide into the bed beside him and he's sure he's having an out of body experience, floating high above the hospital bed and watching as hawk all but wraps himself around him. he'd expected the spooked, caged animal - not... whatever this is. tim finds himself tensing in hawk's hold at first, unsure even as he's gathered up against his side and chest.
everything hurts, but it's his heart that aches so furiously he might be sick over it.
as long as you need. as long as you want me to be here.
what will hawk say if tim says forever? if he says he wants him here and beside him for the rest of their days? what if he says he will always need hawkins fuller, even if he knows he should never admit to anything like that. it will only hurt him later.
but he blinks up at him, body relaxing into the hold and he lets out another shaky breath. he's cried so much now, its a wonder he has anything left. there is no blindfold to catch his tears this time, and he hiccups against hawk's shoulder. his arms move, one wrapping its way around hawk's middle, the other tucked against his side so his fingers can fist in the fabric of his expensive shirt.
he doesn't mean to cry like this - for the hurt and grief to come out in choking little sobs but it does.
none of it was pretend - and something in tim snaps. shatters and his defenses fall because there is nothing left in him to arm those walls anymore. he has nothing he can give, because he has done nothing but give to this man for years, even when they were apart. hawkins fuller has always rested in his mind, in his heart. he never left.
it's a few minutes of crying, really - tim's concept of time in this place is completely lost now, and by the time he finally comes back to himself, he's made a wet spot in the shoulder and chest of hawk's shirt. he keeps his face tucked there, pressing close to him and breathing him in. hawk is warm, solid, real, and god he wants to believe him, just like he'd believed everything else. ]
I'm so tired, Hawk. [ his voice is quiet, and it's clear he doesn't mean just physically tired. ]
I just want things to go right, for once. To work out like I'd hoped they would. I love you still, and I know I shouldn't. I know I should have walked away that day and cursed your name and dragged it into the mud, but I couldn't.
But I can't trust you. I can't be what you want me to be. I deserve better than that, I do. I just... I'm willing to try. Maybe not right now. I don't know when, but. I just need time, and... god, I'm just tired.
[and he does - feels the weight of the knowledge that there might be a part of timothy david laughlin's heart that can't fully be repaired, that he's permanently damaged and scarred - never to be the same. once upon a time there were warnings hawk used to try and issue, sometimes buried in between those tender post-coital moments but no less sharp: you can't always be this soft. honesty isn't the best policy in washington. and selfishly, it was meant to absolve him of any responsibility at times: skippy had to know what kind of man hawkins fuller was to have risen the ranks the way he did? the capital of ulterior motives, he'd declared it - and it was his stomping ground of half a decade. that didn't mean he thought tim was so naive he couldn't manage his way at all, or that he'd be easily deceived when bold-faced wrong was looking him in the eye. but maybe there was a part of him that was always going to bruise and he should have known anything with his handprint on it would be the deepest.
it doesn't escape his notice when tim tenses at first, the spooked animal he'd assumed hawk would be playing the part of - and yeah, he deserves that when the last thing he'd done was wound him near irreparably. when the first thing he'd expected was for hawk to run again and plaster on the role of concerned aide and distant caregiver to a mere acquaintance. for god's sake, he wouldn't be shocked if the doctors needed to add whiplash to tim's laundry list of injuries at this rate.
but eventually he settles into hawk's grip, and something in him feels as if it's released all the tension he's been holding in his shoulders ever since he walked away - the thing tim always soothes in him whether it's by voice or smile or all the little ways he's still showed his patience and open door over these past years. and if tim said forever? one look at him - brown eyes wide and glassy and his impossibly sweet face even in its current battered state - hawk would be hopeless to say anything but yes. he leans down for another soft kiss to his forehead, feeling the way his body trembles before the new onslaught of tears overtakes him and has hawk feeling another twinge of heartache himself.
he's careful not to squeeze him too hard, not wanting to exacerbate any of his physical injuries. there's another soft murmur against his skin as he feels wetness accumulating, the flex of tim's fingers against his by now wrinkled, maybe even bloodied shirt. it's alright, let it all out. i'm here, honey. it does carry on, but it's the least he's owed - hawk holding him through every second of it, hand shifting to rub soothingly at his back and tuck his chin against the top of tim's head without any pressure. eventually he can feel it subside, tim's breathing evening out and his body's trembling slowing. his hand moves to cup his chin, turn it up ever so slightly so he can meet tim's gaze once more. there's more wetness in the corners of his eyes, lips pulled tightly like he's keeping it at bay.]
I know, Skippy.
[anyone would be exhausted with what he's been through - before and after tonight's ordeal.]
None of that is who you are - even if it's what I deserved.
[i love you still, tim says, like it's the easiest thing in the world. the words catch in his own throat, the closest he's ever come to feeling them to be true - but it's not the right time.]
But you - you deserve the world. Someone you can trust. Not to have to pretend or hide like me.
Right now I just want you to get better. We can figure the rest out later - however long it takes.
[he sucks in a breath, voice going soft as he gently strokes an errant piece of tim's hair back from his forehead. sometimes hawk doesn't need to say a goddamn word to express how ardent he is - at least, if this boy knows where to look for it.]
I'll be here, Skippy. You got me locked in for the whole ride.
[he blinks away his own tears, chuckling and trying to lighten the mood by teasing - to get tim to crack even a slight smile. something he used to be good at.]
[ he'll question how weak he is later for letting hawkins fuller climb into his bed and wrap himself around him. how he cried against his shoulder, the way he fell apart in the arms of a familiar embrace. he hadn't crumbled when he'd been taken from the party - he hadn't crumbled much beyond the scared tremble of his voice or the burn of tears after a sharp kick to his gut by melwas' men.
but now, he's nothing but soft and damaged and bruised.
hawk's arms around him, the chin atop his head, feels like homecoming still, even if he doesn't want it to. it's the comfort and safety he's needed, and finally he lets his body lean into hawk's, one arm reaching to drape around hawk's side and hold, so his own body can pull closer. he's warm, he's familiar, and he remembers the way hawk's arms had felt around him, the whispering in his ear as he was carried out of the hellhole he'd been in.
i've got you. i'm here ]
I know, Hawk.
[ because even if the man pretended, acted like they were no less than strangers? well. hawk is still here at his side, pulled him out of all of it, and seems willing to stay.
maybe it's just temporary. tim knows it likely is. so he doesn't hang his hope on those hooks - not yet. (well, maybe a little. a tiny thread). he huffs a little at hawk's joke, lips pulling into something tired and worn. his fingers flex against hawk's side, eyes fluttering shut when he feels the soft hand at his forehead.
it's unfair that he knows hawkins fuller well enough even now to know what even the smallest gestures mean. he sees the glisten in the man's eyes from this angle and he sighs softly, cheek against the strong curve of hawk's bicep. ]
Mm. I couldn't run away right now if I tried. Lucky for you.
[ the hand leaves his side and his fingers brush against one corner of hawk's eye, thumb gentle in the way it collects the little droplet, the way it traces his cheek bone, cheek, then falls back to his side. ]
Can you pull the blankets up? [ he doesn't acknowledge the tear out loud - he knows better. he doesn't even acknowledge that hawk is promising to stay through everything, but his voice has a familiar little whine to it. the blanket - a peace offering, acceptance in the form of comfort. ]
[that he got there in time, for starters. it's bad enough it wasn't sooner, and even if he'd like to blame ash and railed at him enough to nearly tear him a new asshole - he knows they all moved as fast as they possibly could with as little red tape as possible. he can't let himself spiral out, and he's absolutely not going to leave tim playing the game of what if when his psyche will plague him with that later. there's an absent thought he files away: to find out who the best resident therapist is here in the med wing with some discretion during downtime tomorrow. tim's going to need it, and if anyone is well adjusted enough to actually respond well and believe in the merits of therapy, tim would be the only one out of the remaining three of their collectively sorry asses.
but now? now there's nothing that could get him to move from the heaven that is tim laughlin in his arms - even bruised and battered as he is. it's selfish to wish this won't be the last of it, to think about all the ways he can ensure they get to keep doing this in the future when there isn't the beep of machines and tim wearing a heart monitor and and bandaged up and tender all over from abuse suffered at the hands of brutes.
the relief that floods through him is a raw rush that's enough to finally make him realize the adrenaline that's been keeping the edge off this whole time has absolutely worn down and he's finally feeling the toll of physical exhaustion, even if his mind is too wired to think about sleep. he'll surely be awake for hours monitoring tim's condition, ensuring he gets enough sleep and there's no lingering physical effects, most especially from the concussion. he's distracted enough that tim's thumb brushing against his eye makes his lashes flutter shut briefly, depositing the rest against his soft fingertip with a gentle pull of his lips. leave it to his boy - always so goddamn sweet for his own good.
hawk can't help himself - he grabs it before tim can set it back down at his side, kissing over his knuckles lightly before letting it go again. just in time to hear that tone - music to his ears, really. it reminds him of so many nights spent together, tim eventually comfortable enough to take some of the power he didn't even realize he wielded over hawk's smitten heart. bratty tim - now that was really a sight to behold. fuck, he's missed this. missed him, and he complies near instantly, careful not to jostle where tim is nestled in his arms too much. instead he reaches down with the hand closest, drawing the cover up and over tim's shoulders first before situating it for himself too.]
'Course.
There - that better?
[his hand drops to tim's back, rubbing absent circles the way he used to without even realizing he's fallen into an old, familiar habit himself.]
[ the small brush of lips to his hand makes the corner of his mouth pull up in a smile. it's not much, but the gesture makes him believe for just a minute that things could go back to how they were. that they could somehow mend whatever it is that has broken between them.
maybe.
but hawk pulls the covers up and even with how careful he is, it doesn't change the fact that his head aches, his body hurts at every turn. nothing has felt worse than this in all his life, not even boot camp, and yet here he is, in the arms of his former lover, trying desperately to feel comfort and peace knowing that he is safe now.
he's not sure he'll feel safe again, truly, for a very, very long time.
the blanket comes up over his shoulder and he finds himself gravitating to the warmth of hawk, pressing closer to his chest and sighing, his voice coming out in a low grumble the very moment that hawk checks in. it'd be almost sultry if he felt better, but the crying, the fear, the injuries - all of it makes it hard to feel anything other than complete exhaustion. ]
Much better.
[ another little wiggle and tim's face has all but pushed in against hawk's shoulder, the crook of his neck. he curls and tucks himself close, unashamed for his need to feel coddled and held, warm and protected. if hawk pays any attention, he can feel the way he jumps a little when a sound echoes loud from outside - something dropped in the hallway, maybe. the hand on his back does wonders to soothe him back into calm, though, and finally, tim's shoulders sag and relax, his eyes flutter closed. ]
Stay. Until I wake up at least.
[ it's a question, even if it sounds as much a statement. there's hesitancy in the way he whispers it, sleepy and wary, afraid and sad. what would their life have looked like if hawk hadn't told him to leave two years ago?
[they can - god, hawk hopes they will after this. if there's one thing he'd grasped more than anything after picking up tim's broken figure from that hellhole and carrying him to safety it was that he never wanted to let him go again. frankly, he'd deserve it if tim said no - but he's prepared to spend a lifetime trying anyway to get back what he'd stupidly tossed away almost three years ago.
tim doesn't know how many nights he spent alone, staring at the ceiling and reminiscing on the times when his boy was nuzzled into his side just like this. remembering the warmth of his soft breath against the juncture of his neck and shoulder, the way tim's fingers would flex in his sleep cat-like on hawk's bare shoulders. sleepy morning mumbles before hawk brought him his morning tea or coffee, eyes still closed even as he nosed in for expectant kisses. god, it makes his chest ache just thinking about it now - wondering if he'll ever have the exquisite privilege of those things again. but even if he doesn't, the way tim clings to him is more than enough for now - dire circumstances aside. his body has always fit like it belonged there, curled up smaller somehow even if the rational part of his brain knows that tim is the same height as he is.
if it weren't for the adrenaline crash maybe he'd be able to stay up and just watch him for a bit - categorize all the wounds, pester the nurses tomorrow about the ones most likely to scar. but instead he knows it won't be long after tim finally dozes off that he'll be following, and that stings too because it means he doesn't get to savor the opportunity with his eyes closed and mind drifting into dreams instead of basking in every minute they're pressed together like lovers.
but the skittishness, the nerves - the way tim gets startled at the echo of someone dropping a clipboard louder than any of the mechanical beeping and background noise must sound closer to a gunshot than mere clumsiness. his hold tightens instinctively, though he manages to bite back his own tongue from doing something stupid like murmuring out a soft shhh in case he takes it dismissively when it's anything but. thank god it doesn't seem to stick, and when tim nestles in and his body sags once more, hawk finally lets his own eyes slip closed as he presses another soft kiss against his temple.]
I'm not going anywhere, Skippy. Don't you worry.
[another kiss, because he can't get enough of it, and it ends with hawk nuzzling them against his forehead and up into his hair with a soft inhale. his own voice is a hazy rumble, trying to keep his own lightness so it lifts and assures all at once. frankly, because he can't bear hearing tim even remotely close to the way it had been heartbroken so long ago.]
I'll be here in the morning. All day tomorrow. When you get out of the hospital. Back at your place - if you don't kick me out, anyway.
[there's a pause, hawk swallowing against something thick in his throat and realizing his eyes are wet again even as they're squeezed shut tighter.]
[ it's a weak argument, really, and the way he lacks any real conviction in his tone alone proves that tim laughlin is making some sad attempt at a joke. but they both have work to do, don't they? on so many, many levels. so tim nestles in, soaking up the warmth of hawk, even though every squeeze, every breath, every moment, sends pain in waves rippling through him. he'd rather be here and in pain than anywhere else, even if the thought makes him question his own sanity.
after everything hawk could do to him...
but here they are. tim wrapped up in the man, the whirring of machines, the sounds outside - the whole world feels different to him now with hawk in his bed than it had moments before, when he'd woken up disoriented and sick. hawk says he'll be there when he wakes, tomorrow, and all the times after. it sounds like a fairy tale, a promise made by someone who can't keep it. he knows hawk far, far too well for that.
life will call, they'll get busy, and they will easily re-enter the world of cold shoulders and distance. it's only a matter of time.
tim closes his eyes when he hears the watery tone of the other man's voice, deciding this time to allow him the moment in private. tim's arm loops around hawk's middle though as he settles in, palm pressing flat against the low of his back like he always used to when they slept. they fit together like this, perfectly imperfect, with their jagged edges and old wounds. ]
Hawkins Fuller, you do nothing in half measures.
[ he sounds sleepy, words starting to slur a little as he nuzzles in, nose tipping faintly against his jaw. ]
And again - I couldn't kick you out if I tried. [ it's an admission - not just about this bed, this hospital. his apartment. ] I've tried over and over again. I haven't figured it out yet, so you're in luck.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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small mercies.
not so small: the trauma he'll be dealing with for awhile. it's why hawk had been sitting here, knowing the likelihood of nightmares, night terrors - the uncertainty of waking up in a familiar bed and wondering if he'd succumbed to his injuries or been so brutalized that this was all just a hallucination or a dream of mentally concocted safety to escape the cruel reality that awaited open eyes. hawk remembers it - used to twinge with it every time tim's fingertips gently grazed against the raised fissure of scar tissue on his shoulderblade, even if he'd long since learned to cope with the horrors of war that are far enough behind and were eased by senator smith's good conscience and generous cabin in rugged country.
could he offer that to tim? take him out of the hustle and bustle of the pentagon, grab an airbnb without a word, tell embry he needed some time off? what would he think? would he know? in the heat of the moment, there was no time for subtlety or explaining how he knew tim and why this seemingly meant more to him than just losing a member of their cabinet. he'd tried, but the closer they got the more hawk's stoic mask chipped away, revealing a vulnerability he'd shut off as tightly as possible, buried at the expense of tim's heart. none of them realized there was still an invisible string binding them together forever - not even tim, the one thing hawk would never be able to fully cut off like another limb.
of course he thinks playing the game of pretend is the most important thing in the moment. it's all hawk ever prioritized, and it has him closing his eyes and pressing another tender kiss to tim's temple.]
Embry's fine. Like I told you - he's with Ash, or maybe they're in bed by now, I don't know.
[doesn't really care, either. there's an entire army of secret service and then some to watch over them, but only hawk knows every sensitivity, every expanse of tim's body and what's been broken. he needs to be here. to make it better however he can.]
Skippy - this back and forth...I should have never pretended in the first place.
[the late night calls, the drunken whisper of sweet nothings - only to culminate in hawk striding past in the mornings with little more than a nod of acknowledgment.]
I know you. You're here, and I've got you.
[he sucks in a breath, hating that he doesn't know how tim will react. that he could tell him to go and hawk would really have no defense other than to obey.]
I'll go if you want me to. But I'm not going because of whatever game of pretend I've been making us play.
You're not fine. You've been through the ringer tonight, and if you'll let me - I want to be here for you.
[he sucks in a breath, swallowing hard.]
I want to hold you through the night. I want to know my boy is safe with me at his side.
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it doesn't make tim feel any less alone. they found him, they saved him, and he's here safely tucked into the white house where no one can reach him now. he even has hawk with his arms wrapped around him, saying soft things and kissing his hair like he's wanted for the last three or so years and yet it does nothing to soothe the way fear runs cold under his skin.
it's better that he not worry everyone even more. it's better than he accepts and pretends it will go away, even if he knows it won't. none of this will. tim laughlin is doomed to always live a life clouded in some secrecy, isn't he? ]
I don't think you know how to stop pretending.
[ it isn't meant to be mean, but he's sure with how tired he is the words lack the warmth and care that tim on any other day may have. ]
I never know whose turn it is, or what the game is. I don't want you to leave. I never wanted you to leave, but then I think you've always wanted to leave when things were inconvenient. I'm inconvenient now, aren't I?
[ he laughs weakly, leaning a little more heavily into hawk's chest, arm shifting to better accommodate his sore ribs, fingers splaying into the middle of hawk's back. he doesn't skirt the scar beneath the fabric, even though he's acutely aware of it being there, knows the rise and fall of every ridge of skin. ]
I'm not your boy, Hawk. [ this time? he truly does sound tired, sad. because he is. ] Not anymore. I don't know who I am to you anymore, but I am... I am trying to play by the rules because if I can do that at least it doesn't hurt as much. If I play by the rules, no one knows we're... and then they won't come after -
[ damn it. there are the tears again, burning at his eyes and he's glad that his face is dipped and hidden so that maybe hawk won't catch sight of them right off. it'll be in his voice, though - tim was never very good at masking much of anything. ]
You'll be here tonight, and you'll hold me, but when I wake up what will happen? When doctors and nurses come in, when other people show up to question me, because I know - I know they'll want to know and I can't do it alone.
[ he chokes a little at the thought, and god the whole night rushes back to him in a way that makes him feel like he might be sick all over again. he'll have to talk through every detail, swear on a bible he's telling the truth, and re-tell it again and again to every official who needs to know. ]
I can't say no to you. I answer your calls and I can't pull away because I need you, even if you pretend I'm not there. Pretend you don't know me. How long do you pretend until it becomes real? [ it feels so wrong to say it. to admit that all this time he has always needed hawk in some way, even when they weren't truly together. he has always had the man on his heart, in the back of his mind, driving him to become better, different, stronger. but what has hawk needed tim for?
probably nothing.
tim's hand loosens, falling from his back and to the bed. it hurts too much to try and hold him, the way his head aches and sides burn, the way the bruises pinch the way he is bending toward the man in the chair beside the bed. ]
What do I do when you don't need me? When no one does?
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christ, he can't even help but physically hurt him either, realizing when he pulls back slightly the way tim is at an odd angle now and it must be twinging every ache. hawk utters out a soft curse, mostly at himself before loosening his grip and pulling his chair in as close as it can possibly be, settling on lacing his ruined hand together with tim's for now and letting all the worry, the care, and the impossible reality of his feelings seep into the clear blue of his eyes.]
Maybe I didn't, before now. Pretending was the only thing that got me through things - things I've never even told you, Skip.
[that's not an admission meant to hurt him further, even if that's what it seems like he can't stop doing whether he means it or not. hawk shakes his head, as if trying to wade through his own guilt and find the right words that can somehow express so much in what will surely be too little. tim doesn't have it in him to be cruel, but he did - still does, and it's fair of him to be wary. jesus, it'd be understandable if he wanted to be mean too - god knows hawk would deserve it.]
Inconvenience was the nicest way to put it at the time. I didn't have the heart to tell you it was survival for me. And it wasn't meant to be a game either, but I see now why it felt that way.
[something breaks in his chest at those words. i'm not your boy, hawk. a pain worse than bloodied knuckles and the edge of a knife scraping against his arm, or even getting socked in the jaw by a trained mercenary. his heart feels torn in two, eyes widening briefly and jaw clenched before he tries to smooth it out on the recollection that this is what he asked for. he needs to hear this. but of course tim - good, sweet worrying tim thinks the cover they've been afforded will somehow shift. put hawk at risk like he probably isn't on some target list already for the stunt he pulled tonight. it's not that he means to - but there's a soft huff of laughter and he squeezes tim's hand gently with a shake of his head.]
Let 'em try and come for me. Think I put a few of their men in the hospital and I'll take my chances at round two.
[it's a terrible attempt at lightening the mood, but he sombers at the rest of tim's admission, the tears and the tremble of his shoulders and that gut-wrenching forlorn note in his voice. god. not his boy - not like this. he reaches up again to cup his jaw gently, to tip his face so he can look at hawk while he runs his thumb along the back of his palm in soothing circles.]
I'll hold you tonight. I'll be here holding you tomorrow morning. And when they come to get all the details you don't wanna remember, I'll be right by your side holding your hand when it's too hard to recall.
[what about after that? tim will want to know. maybe pretending is what he wanted before, even if he tried not to reach out and stay away even as he ached with loneliness for the boy he didn't plan on seeing every day and reminding him of the good times. maybe he wanted them to be strangers - but that was before the last 24 hours changed everything. put into perspective what he almost lost.
fuck it.]
I can't live without you in my life anymore. I don't want to.
[there's a ragged breath, an exhale like he's letting it all out now, putting it on the line in a way that's real and vulnerable and overwhelming to him too.]
Ash needs you. The Cabinet needs you. Senator Johnson needs you.
But more than that - I need you. Never stopped, by the way. I've just got more practice at hiding it.
[there's a pause, searching tim's face for any reaction because he knows it's probably not what he was expecting to hear. and hell - maybe it's too late for this. maybe he deserves to rail at hawk and send him away. he'd just be guaranteeing a night with him spent in a chair on the other side of the door, is all.]
I'm sorry. For all of it. For waiting until now to tell you when you almost -
[his throat tightens, emotion swelling in it as he shakes his head more furiously than before.]
Look, you don't have to think about any of this now. But at least answer me - tell me if I can get into bed and hold you tonight.
Please, Tim. Be my boy again, even if it's just for a little while.
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but there's the admission from hawk - so many things left unsaid, and there the hurt truly shows in tim's face. inconvenient and untrustworthy. he's learning so much about himself today. ]
Why didn't you tell me? That's all you needed to do, Hawk. I just wanted to understand. I couldn't read your mind and if it was survival for you then that's fine too. Why don't you understand that - I just - ... I just wanted to be with you. Whatever that looked like. I would hide, I would run away, I would pretend we were on the battlefield if that's what it took.
[ his voice chokes up, goes thick and he shakes his head, pulling his hand away from hawk's then and scrubbing furiously at his burning eyes. when he speaks again, his voice goes small. ]
Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?
[ the hand on his cheek guides him to look up and tim wants everything in the world to be furiously angry with hawk. he is, in a way, but he's more crushed and hurt than anything. nothing will soothe the aching, open wound that never stitched itself up. it just left itself be, bleeding out slowly, festering at the edges of every dream or memory. it's no different now, really, but it feels tighter. harder to breathe.
he put so much faith into this man, put so much trust and hope and thought into this man, and for what? he had let himself dream of a future behind closed doors and had cherished the thought of hidden kisses and stolen touches. of dinners had with the curtains pulled and snuggling on a couch with a movie somewhere where no one could see. it hadn't been what he thought he'd have, but having hawk was the only thing he truly needed.
the rest would come out in the wash eventually.
hawk promises he will be at his side and tim isn't sure he can make out the words for the ringing in his ears, the tears that pour down his face, or the way his hands shake. even with hawk reaching for one of his again, his whole body feels numb, and if he closes his eyes tightly, he can zoom far, far out and watch them. tim looks bad, feels worse. hawk, with wide and desperate eyes, pleads with tim and rips himself open at the chest to try and convey something.
if he could run away right now, tim would. he would climb out of the bed, out the door, and into the cool, night air because everything in this room feels suddenly, desperately loud. it feels close and smothering, and when tim opens his eyes again and sees hawk searching his face for something, anything, the knows that he has to answer.
why now? why me? why should i trust you? why should i believe you? why should i let myself get hurt again because that's the only thing that will ever come of all this? tell me tell me tell me. ]
I'm afraid, Hawk. Of you.
[ he feels so, so small when he says it, feels as though his bones have turned to glass and even the soft hand at his cheek could break him. ]
I... I want to be your boy. I want you here in bed, holding me. I want you here tomorrow, and the days after that. But I'm so scared. I can't... I can't do that again. Believe you when you tell me I'm inconvenient. When you lay all my faults out like your to-do list. Check off every single one to make sure I put one foot in front of the other. I'm... I'm so afraid.
[ he's shaking, he realizes, and he grips hawk's hand tighter, sniffles wetly and turns his face into hawk's hand. ]
I've been here. All this time. I talked you to sleep while you were drunk. I brought you coffee the morning after. I tried writing you, when I was overseas. I... I've been here. You just refused to see me.
[ he sniffles again, hiccupping softly as he tries desperately to catch his breath. the injuries from the kidnapping hurt, but this? this feels like something has cleaved his chest into two. ]
I need you here, right now. I need you to stay, because I can't do any of this by myself, and I'm... I'm so tired. I'll... I'll be your boy again. For a little while. Just - stay. Hold me. Pretend for just tonight that you still care about me like you used to.
I don't care if it was all pretend.
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so he cups his cheek again anyway. reaches for his other hand, squeezing it gently and tipping his head so he can lean in again for as much closeness as he's allowed. there is something pained in his expression, eyes glassy and jaw tight as he swallows hard around a lump that just keeps growing in his throat. that vulnerability he tried so damn hard to bury - scars he never revealed in himself.]
It wasn't about trusting you, Skippy. I did what I thought I had to do to live my life the way everyone expected me to. The way I expected myself to. But it's not really living that way, is it?
[he offers a self-deprecating twist of his lips, thumb brushing at the tear tracks down his cheeks to try and wipe them away, keeping the ones threatening to accumulate in the corners of his eyes and against his own dark lashes at bay. tim should be afraid of him, after everything he's been put through. two years of walking on eggshells, opening himself up at every turn when hawk couldn't stay away, only to be beat down and have the door closed in his face time and time again. to be greeted by a perfect stranger, not the man who warmed his bed and held him against his chest instead of leaving in the middle of the night. not the one who gifted him a pair of cufflinks with his initials for christmas, or wears the tie tim gave him the same night whenever tim isn't in the office to see it because it feels like keeping him close.
fuck. of course he's missed him. of course he's wanted - some way to balance that with what their reality needed to be. except it had never really been about closed doors and stolen moments, had it? it was hawk, running from the emotions he'd have to face in staying with tim. accepting them at face value and giving them a name, an outlet. one he wasn't capable of - christ, maybe he still isn't in plenty of ways. but tonight has taught him nothing other than he has to try. cliché as it sounds - tomorrow isn't guaranteed, and carpathia is filled with scumbags he'd like to see under army-issue steel-toed boots under the banner of war.]
I know. You've got every right to be.
[it kills him to feel tim tremble, to see him so wracked and devastated with his physical suffering and the heartache he's pent up.]
I hurt you deeply. It's not enough just to offer you an "I'm sorry".
[hawk sucks in a breath, worried this is the part tim is going to ask him to leave. but of course - his boy is too good, too sweet to give up on him, even if he knows he doesn't fucking deserve it.]
I want this. Saying it isn't enough, I know - so I'm just gonna have to show you.
[and here he releases his grip in both spots, pressing up from his chair and not even caring about the fact that normally he'd strip down to his boxers alone - he slides a hand under tim's pillow at first, lifting him upright for a brief moment so he can shift the grip underneath his shoulders. his legs swing up, knees knocking gently against tim's as his other arm wraps around to cradle him there, lips finding his temple and pressing a tender, lingering kiss there. there we go, easy does it is murmured softly against his skin.]
I'm staying. All night, all day - as long as you need. As long as you want me to be here with you.
[his voice drops to a whisper, not least of all because the thought of keeping his voice steady right now seems too difficult to manage.]
None of it was pretend. That's the part you're missing - the absence was pretending it didn't kill me every goddamn day thinking about what could have been. Drinking myself to sleep, coming home to an empty apartment and a cold bed.
[the fingers against his shoulder lift, brushing a few strands of hair from his forehead and swiping again at the damp corners of his eyes.]
You're still my boy. You'll always be my boy, Tim.
I'm here and I gotcha.
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[ tim laughlin will never be able to shed his honestly, his earnestness. the very fabric of him is made up of something so genuine and dedicated that anything outside of that feels like such an aberration. it feels impossible. and even now, when he wants to lie and try to protect himself, he can't.
it would be easy to lie to himself and say there is no danger in running back into the arms of hawkins fuller. that he could be wrapped up in this man and no harm would come from him. but tim knows better. he's lived in the ebbs and flows of hawk's cruelty and kindness, wavered back and forth between the man who loved him deeply, and the man who could not be rid of him faster.
but when hawk stands suddenly, tim leans back, concerned and confused and suddenly feeling the unmistakable desperation to reach for him and hold on, even if he knows he should let hawk leave. if the man wants to walk out, then that will be the real answer, won't it?
he doesn't. tim feels the arm under his shoulders, watches hawk slide into the bed beside him and he's sure he's having an out of body experience, floating high above the hospital bed and watching as hawk all but wraps himself around him. he'd expected the spooked, caged animal - not... whatever this is. tim finds himself tensing in hawk's hold at first, unsure even as he's gathered up against his side and chest.
everything hurts, but it's his heart that aches so furiously he might be sick over it.
as long as you need. as long as you want me to be here.
what will hawk say if tim says forever? if he says he wants him here and beside him for the rest of their days? what if he says he will always need hawkins fuller, even if he knows he should never admit to anything like that. it will only hurt him later.
but he blinks up at him, body relaxing into the hold and he lets out another shaky breath. he's cried so much now, its a wonder he has anything left. there is no blindfold to catch his tears this time, and he hiccups against hawk's shoulder. his arms move, one wrapping its way around hawk's middle, the other tucked against his side so his fingers can fist in the fabric of his expensive shirt.
he doesn't mean to cry like this - for the hurt and grief to come out in choking little sobs but it does.
none of it was pretend - and something in tim snaps. shatters and his defenses fall because there is nothing left in him to arm those walls anymore. he has nothing he can give, because he has done nothing but give to this man for years, even when they were apart. hawkins fuller has always rested in his mind, in his heart. he never left.
it's a few minutes of crying, really - tim's concept of time in this place is completely lost now, and by the time he finally comes back to himself, he's made a wet spot in the shoulder and chest of hawk's shirt. he keeps his face tucked there, pressing close to him and breathing him in. hawk is warm, solid, real, and god he wants to believe him, just like he'd believed everything else. ]
I'm so tired, Hawk. [ his voice is quiet, and it's clear he doesn't mean just physically tired. ]
I just want things to go right, for once. To work out like I'd hoped they would. I love you still, and I know I shouldn't. I know I should have walked away that day and cursed your name and dragged it into the mud, but I couldn't.
But I can't trust you. I can't be what you want me to be. I deserve better than that, I do. I just... I'm willing to try. Maybe not right now. I don't know when, but. I just need time, and... god, I'm just tired.
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[and he does - feels the weight of the knowledge that there might be a part of timothy david laughlin's heart that can't fully be repaired, that he's permanently damaged and scarred - never to be the same. once upon a time there were warnings hawk used to try and issue, sometimes buried in between those tender post-coital moments but no less sharp: you can't always be this soft. honesty isn't the best policy in washington. and selfishly, it was meant to absolve him of any responsibility at times: skippy had to know what kind of man hawkins fuller was to have risen the ranks the way he did? the capital of ulterior motives, he'd declared it - and it was his stomping ground of half a decade. that didn't mean he thought tim was so naive he couldn't manage his way at all, or that he'd be easily deceived when bold-faced wrong was looking him in the eye. but maybe there was a part of him that was always going to bruise and he should have known anything with his handprint on it would be the deepest.
it doesn't escape his notice when tim tenses at first, the spooked animal he'd assumed hawk would be playing the part of - and yeah, he deserves that when the last thing he'd done was wound him near irreparably. when the first thing he'd expected was for hawk to run again and plaster on the role of concerned aide and distant caregiver to a mere acquaintance. for god's sake, he wouldn't be shocked if the doctors needed to add whiplash to tim's laundry list of injuries at this rate.
but eventually he settles into hawk's grip, and something in him feels as if it's released all the tension he's been holding in his shoulders ever since he walked away - the thing tim always soothes in him whether it's by voice or smile or all the little ways he's still showed his patience and open door over these past years. and if tim said forever? one look at him - brown eyes wide and glassy and his impossibly sweet face even in its current battered state - hawk would be hopeless to say anything but yes. he leans down for another soft kiss to his forehead, feeling the way his body trembles before the new onslaught of tears overtakes him and has hawk feeling another twinge of heartache himself.
he's careful not to squeeze him too hard, not wanting to exacerbate any of his physical injuries. there's another soft murmur against his skin as he feels wetness accumulating, the flex of tim's fingers against his by now wrinkled, maybe even bloodied shirt. it's alright, let it all out. i'm here, honey. it does carry on, but it's the least he's owed - hawk holding him through every second of it, hand shifting to rub soothingly at his back and tuck his chin against the top of tim's head without any pressure. eventually he can feel it subside, tim's breathing evening out and his body's trembling slowing. his hand moves to cup his chin, turn it up ever so slightly so he can meet tim's gaze once more. there's more wetness in the corners of his eyes, lips pulled tightly like he's keeping it at bay.]
I know, Skippy.
[anyone would be exhausted with what he's been through - before and after tonight's ordeal.]
None of that is who you are - even if it's what I deserved.
[i love you still, tim says, like it's the easiest thing in the world. the words catch in his own throat, the closest he's ever come to feeling them to be true - but it's not the right time.]
But you - you deserve the world. Someone you can trust. Not to have to pretend or hide like me.
Right now I just want you to get better. We can figure the rest out later - however long it takes.
[he sucks in a breath, voice going soft as he gently strokes an errant piece of tim's hair back from his forehead. sometimes hawk doesn't need to say a goddamn word to express how ardent he is - at least, if this boy knows where to look for it.]
I'll be here, Skippy. You got me locked in for the whole ride.
[he blinks away his own tears, chuckling and trying to lighten the mood by teasing - to get tim to crack even a slight smile. something he used to be good at.]
Last chance to get out while you can.
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but now, he's nothing but soft and damaged and bruised.
hawk's arms around him, the chin atop his head, feels like homecoming still, even if he doesn't want it to. it's the comfort and safety he's needed, and finally he lets his body lean into hawk's, one arm reaching to drape around hawk's side and hold, so his own body can pull closer. he's warm, he's familiar, and he remembers the way hawk's arms had felt around him, the whispering in his ear as he was carried out of the hellhole he'd been in.
i've got you. i'm here ]
I know, Hawk.
[ because even if the man pretended, acted like they were no less than strangers? well. hawk is still here at his side, pulled him out of all of it, and seems willing to stay.
maybe it's just temporary. tim knows it likely is. so he doesn't hang his hope on those hooks - not yet. (well, maybe a little. a tiny thread). he huffs a little at hawk's joke, lips pulling into something tired and worn. his fingers flex against hawk's side, eyes fluttering shut when he feels the soft hand at his forehead.
it's unfair that he knows hawkins fuller well enough even now to know what even the smallest gestures mean. he sees the glisten in the man's eyes from this angle and he sighs softly, cheek against the strong curve of hawk's bicep. ]
Mm. I couldn't run away right now if I tried. Lucky for you.
[ the hand leaves his side and his fingers brush against one corner of hawk's eye, thumb gentle in the way it collects the little droplet, the way it traces his cheek bone, cheek, then falls back to his side. ]
Can you pull the blankets up? [ he doesn't acknowledge the tear out loud - he knows better. he doesn't even acknowledge that hawk is promising to stay through everything, but his voice has a familiar little whine to it. the blanket - a peace offering, acceptance in the form of comfort. ]
Around both of us.
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[that he got there in time, for starters. it's bad enough it wasn't sooner, and even if he'd like to blame ash and railed at him enough to nearly tear him a new asshole - he knows they all moved as fast as they possibly could with as little red tape as possible. he can't let himself spiral out, and he's absolutely not going to leave tim playing the game of what if when his psyche will plague him with that later. there's an absent thought he files away: to find out who the best resident therapist is here in the med wing with some discretion during downtime tomorrow. tim's going to need it, and if anyone is well adjusted enough to actually respond well and believe in the merits of therapy, tim would be the only one out of the remaining three of their collectively sorry asses.
but now? now there's nothing that could get him to move from the heaven that is tim laughlin in his arms - even bruised and battered as he is. it's selfish to wish this won't be the last of it, to think about all the ways he can ensure they get to keep doing this in the future when there isn't the beep of machines and tim wearing a heart monitor and and bandaged up and tender all over from abuse suffered at the hands of brutes.
the relief that floods through him is a raw rush that's enough to finally make him realize the adrenaline that's been keeping the edge off this whole time has absolutely worn down and he's finally feeling the toll of physical exhaustion, even if his mind is too wired to think about sleep. he'll surely be awake for hours monitoring tim's condition, ensuring he gets enough sleep and there's no lingering physical effects, most especially from the concussion. he's distracted enough that tim's thumb brushing against his eye makes his lashes flutter shut briefly, depositing the rest against his soft fingertip with a gentle pull of his lips. leave it to his boy - always so goddamn sweet for his own good.
hawk can't help himself - he grabs it before tim can set it back down at his side, kissing over his knuckles lightly before letting it go again. just in time to hear that tone - music to his ears, really. it reminds him of so many nights spent together, tim eventually comfortable enough to take some of the power he didn't even realize he wielded over hawk's smitten heart. bratty tim - now that was really a sight to behold. fuck, he's missed this. missed him, and he complies near instantly, careful not to jostle where tim is nestled in his arms too much. instead he reaches down with the hand closest, drawing the cover up and over tim's shoulders first before situating it for himself too.]
'Course.
There - that better?
[his hand drops to tim's back, rubbing absent circles the way he used to without even realizing he's fallen into an old, familiar habit himself.]
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maybe.
but hawk pulls the covers up and even with how careful he is, it doesn't change the fact that his head aches, his body hurts at every turn. nothing has felt worse than this in all his life, not even boot camp, and yet here he is, in the arms of his former lover, trying desperately to feel comfort and peace knowing that he is safe now.
he's not sure he'll feel safe again, truly, for a very, very long time.
the blanket comes up over his shoulder and he finds himself gravitating to the warmth of hawk, pressing closer to his chest and sighing, his voice coming out in a low grumble the very moment that hawk checks in. it'd be almost sultry if he felt better, but the crying, the fear, the injuries - all of it makes it hard to feel anything other than complete exhaustion. ]
Much better.
[ another little wiggle and tim's face has all but pushed in against hawk's shoulder, the crook of his neck. he curls and tucks himself close, unashamed for his need to feel coddled and held, warm and protected. if hawk pays any attention, he can feel the way he jumps a little when a sound echoes loud from outside - something dropped in the hallway, maybe. the hand on his back does wonders to soothe him back into calm, though, and finally, tim's shoulders sag and relax, his eyes flutter closed. ]
Stay. Until I wake up at least.
[ it's a question, even if it sounds as much a statement. there's hesitancy in the way he whispers it, sleepy and wary, afraid and sad. what would their life have looked like if hawk hadn't told him to leave two years ago?
would it still be this? ]
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tim doesn't know how many nights he spent alone, staring at the ceiling and reminiscing on the times when his boy was nuzzled into his side just like this. remembering the warmth of his soft breath against the juncture of his neck and shoulder, the way tim's fingers would flex in his sleep cat-like on hawk's bare shoulders. sleepy morning mumbles before hawk brought him his morning tea or coffee, eyes still closed even as he nosed in for expectant kisses. god, it makes his chest ache just thinking about it now - wondering if he'll ever have the exquisite privilege of those things again. but even if he doesn't, the way tim clings to him is more than enough for now - dire circumstances aside. his body has always fit like it belonged there, curled up smaller somehow even if the rational part of his brain knows that tim is the same height as he is.
if it weren't for the adrenaline crash maybe he'd be able to stay up and just watch him for a bit - categorize all the wounds, pester the nurses tomorrow about the ones most likely to scar. but instead he knows it won't be long after tim finally dozes off that he'll be following, and that stings too because it means he doesn't get to savor the opportunity with his eyes closed and mind drifting into dreams instead of basking in every minute they're pressed together like lovers.
but the skittishness, the nerves - the way tim gets startled at the echo of someone dropping a clipboard louder than any of the mechanical beeping and background noise must sound closer to a gunshot than mere clumsiness. his hold tightens instinctively, though he manages to bite back his own tongue from doing something stupid like murmuring out a soft shhh in case he takes it dismissively when it's anything but. thank god it doesn't seem to stick, and when tim nestles in and his body sags once more, hawk finally lets his own eyes slip closed as he presses another soft kiss against his temple.]
I'm not going anywhere, Skippy. Don't you worry.
[another kiss, because he can't get enough of it, and it ends with hawk nuzzling them against his forehead and up into his hair with a soft inhale. his own voice is a hazy rumble, trying to keep his own lightness so it lifts and assures all at once. frankly, because he can't bear hearing tim even remotely close to the way it had been heartbroken so long ago.]
I'll be here in the morning. All day tomorrow. When you get out of the hospital. Back at your place - if you don't kick me out, anyway.
[there's a pause, hawk swallowing against something thick in his throat and realizing his eyes are wet again even as they're squeezed shut tighter.]
I told you. I'm in this for the long haul.
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[ it's a weak argument, really, and the way he lacks any real conviction in his tone alone proves that tim laughlin is making some sad attempt at a joke. but they both have work to do, don't they? on so many, many levels. so tim nestles in, soaking up the warmth of hawk, even though every squeeze, every breath, every moment, sends pain in waves rippling through him. he'd rather be here and in pain than anywhere else, even if the thought makes him question his own sanity.
after everything hawk could do to him...
but here they are. tim wrapped up in the man, the whirring of machines, the sounds outside - the whole world feels different to him now with hawk in his bed than it had moments before, when he'd woken up disoriented and sick. hawk says he'll be there when he wakes, tomorrow, and all the times after. it sounds like a fairy tale, a promise made by someone who can't keep it. he knows hawk far, far too well for that.
life will call, they'll get busy, and they will easily re-enter the world of cold shoulders and distance. it's only a matter of time.
tim closes his eyes when he hears the watery tone of the other man's voice, deciding this time to allow him the moment in private. tim's arm loops around hawk's middle though as he settles in, palm pressing flat against the low of his back like he always used to when they slept. they fit together like this, perfectly imperfect, with their jagged edges and old wounds. ]
Hawkins Fuller, you do nothing in half measures.
[ he sounds sleepy, words starting to slur a little as he nuzzles in, nose tipping faintly against his jaw. ]
And again - I couldn't kick you out if I tried. [ it's an admission - not just about this bed, this hospital. his apartment. ] I've tried over and over again. I haven't figured it out yet, so you're in luck.