[they shouldn't. but privately, he was close enough to waging a one-man kamikaze at the sight of tim curled on the floor and covered in blood and water and glasses shattered in the corner of that shithole of a room.]
( he hesitates. not because there's an inch of ash that remains unclaimed by thoughts of embry, but because he knows what embry's decisions look like — what his rejection and refusal feels like. it would be voyeuristic to slice open his own heart, when it already thoroughly belongs to embry, as much as any medal of honor, or shined tip of a shoe. even if ash would proudly declare his unyielding love, he knows embry wouldn't have it that way. so he hesitates, not from a lack of love, but an excess of it, knowing his feelings are embry's to share and not his own. )
Embry got shot in a raid overseas. Twice. I stole morphine out of the packs of the Carpathian soldiers we killed, the hard stuff.
( the kind of stuff they don't give to good american soldiers, who should have the decency to die before belittling themselves to addiction. not that ash was about to let embry die, ever. not that it made him merciful with him. )
Embry ( is it faithless to unveil his secrets? maybe. but would he accept ash's help? well — he's going to, one way or another. ) is the kind of soldier who gets a head rush at killing. You know the kind. He's probably prowling around like a lion trying to get into another fight right now. He has to be held by the neck and quieted down.
( ash doesn't name what that looks like. he's not sure what it would look like to anyone else, anyway — the bittersweet borderline between violence and love. he and embry have always lived on that tightrope. ash has never felt anything else like it.
he also doesn't mention why embry looks at him. he's not sure he would explain it, even if he could. )
This is your daily reminder to get your head out of all that work and take a walk.
The nurses are saying it's beautiful outside.
[ hawk has left for lunch and some meeting, he's sure, and it leaves tim alone to his own devices again. the kidnapping is over and done with - he's home, he's mostly safe, he's being cared for. but tim still feels it living in his bones, and closing his eyes to nap (which he should be doing right now) feels like it could choke him to death at the thought alone. ]
I checked your calendar, and no, you're not too busy for a walk. And seeing as I'm a fall risk, unable to walk around on my own? I could even guilt you and tell you to do it for my sake. But I won't. Not yet.
( checking the calendar counts as working, ash guesses — and while he should be working, he instead puts everything aside and casts his focus entirely on tim. )
And I think that counts as coercion. For future you. How are you feeling?
I'd rather clean up the messes Addison is making of your calendar and engagements now than deal with the domino effect later.
But, of course, noted, Mr. President. Please let it be known that from this moment forward, we are no longer talking business.
[ there's a moment where he undoubtedly makes a face at his phone that he would very much make at ash in person - a pinched, scrunched up, cute mess of a thing with an eyeroll on its heels. ]
Convenient. Something tells me that you wouldn't mind being coerced by me. But I'm fine. I feel like I'm in prison sometimes. A very well funded, comfortable prison. Tax dollars are really showing out here. Food leaves something to be desired, though.
( well. good, then. ash has exactly 0 interest in talking business with tim, right now. )
I think I'm usually the one doing the coercion. Anyone would say I'm the negative influence in your life. Recent events withstanding. Alright, my little captive. If you could eat anything right now, what would you have?
I've had plenty of negative influences in my life, trust me. You're not the worst by far. But you can't fault me for at least trying to coerce you. That's progress, isn't it?
I really don't have a taste for anything. And no, I'm not just being stubborn either, thank you very much. Between the cointreau truffles Vice Presidett Moore broughy and the mountain of food Mr. Fuller has left here, I'm likely to survive the next great war on these rations alone. I have plenty to share.
Have you gotten any rest? Don't lie to me, Maxen Ashley Colchester. I'll figure you out all over again.
I'm proud, genuinely. And I'm happy to be coerced by you. Consider me on a walk.
Sounds like they're spoiling you. ( good, ash thinks. ) You have to let me bring you something, or I'll look bad. I think I have something in mind.
Honestly? No. This whole thing is a nightmare. The peace treaty has to stand, but if I'm honest, after what happened to you ( he doesn't say anything for a long time. he prays, a little. to be a better person than he is. ) I don't feel very peaceful. That's all.
And you couldn't look bad if you tried. Sunlight looks good on you - the warmth on your face. I mean it, Ash. Take a walk.
Or come bring me some stupid romance novel we both hate and take a nap with me. I can't sleep in this place. I close my eyes and it I can't stand being alone here with
myself. my mind.
[ there's a pause on his end, too, as he waits. and what he reads breaks his heart.
timothy laughlin manages to taint everything he touches. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruined that little bit of peace. If anyone deserves peace, it's you.
( he sends a picture, this time on the other side of the glass of the oval office, two ss officers stoically posed within the picture. it actually is a nice day, the grass in front of the white house evergreen and bright. he wishes he had a dog to send tim nice photos of, instead of a crusty old building and two men with guns. but, that's life. )
I'll come. What do you need?
( it's a favorite of ash's to ask — because he likes honesty, and feels most people are sitting on theirs, waiting for a stage. )
I can't imagine what it is you think you're apologizing for. Don't. This wasn't you. If I was better at protecting you, this wouldn't have happened. But I don't want to juggle blame. Melwas made his own choices, and he's going to pay for them.
( effectively. once ash has the proof he needs to systematically dismantle him, in one fell swoop. this has been a take down several years in the making — tim's kidnapping just moves up the timeline. )
[ oh. it does look like a beautiful day. fresh air is fresh air, even if it's surrounded in ss officers and high, iron gates. ]
I don't need anything. Not if you're coming by.
[ i need you is what he wants to say, which is true - but it's all so complicated. every restless dream brings back the memory of that night - and that his attackers will only be moving further up the chain, later. to ash. ]
If you're not going to allow me the apology then I'm not allowing you the blame, either. That asshole -
[ he can't write his name. he can't say it. not yet. ]
Of course I trust you, Ash. I think it was Merton - I can't remember all of it right now. I think my brain is still scrambled, but something like Hope is trusting that what we have, where we are, and who we are? I don't know. I never doubt you. I never doubted the man you are. Maybe that's the hopeless optimist in me.
( he's been a diligent president for the last three years — if he asks for a little free time, he's sure to have it. the team behind him is empathetic about tim, besides. they work with him everyday, they love him too. it isn't hard.
anyway, tim knows the right things to say. he has his thumbprint on the soft part of ash's heart, and it feels tender in his chest, like a bruise you can't help prodding at. )
I wish I could give you justice right away. Publicly it's going to look like nothing's wrong, like I'm unbothered. You know that isn't true either, yes?
Don't promise. If you find the time, then just five minutes is all I'll ask. I'll time it, even.
[ a part of tim just wants to lay eyes on ash - to reach and tug him in a little close. to touch his cheek and tell him face to face that he trusts him, he believes him, and none of that will change. ]
I don't need justice. Carpathia deserves justice. A leader like that doesn't work for the good of his people. He never will. And it's why I would be out of this bed, hobbling down the White House hallways if I saw you on TV raging and passionate and stupid over this.
No promises? I'll be there. And I'll be happy to show you I'm very serious about my word.
( at least, if tim thinks he's up for it. ash does not consider himself a moral man — he'd happily fuck a wounded soldier on a hospital bed, if the soldier thought he could take it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maxen ashley colchester.
text; the night after tim's kidnapping
So - I apologize for my outburst.
The overall sentiment still stands.
[tell ash you're not sorry without saying you're not sorry.]
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( it’s not anything ash isn’t already yelling at himself over, anyway. he’s happy to have hawk’s hate. )
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Good.
Suppose the two of you won't be making a trip to Lyonesse anytime soon, then.
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( which isn’t a no, exactly — the decision remains wholly and entirely with tim. whatever he wants. )
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[and despite his outburst, he's hoping everyone still thinks that.]
But I think you have a bigger problem on your hands right now.
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[they shouldn't. but privately, he was close enough to waging a one-man kamikaze at the sight of tim curled on the floor and covered in blood and water and glasses shattered in the corner of that shithole of a room.]
It's about the Vice President.
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Is he alright?
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You've pulled rank on him before. What am I missing?
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That depends on what you know.
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And I know how he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching.
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( the kind of stuff they don't give to good american soldiers, who should have the decency to die before belittling themselves to addiction. not that ash was about to let embry die, ever. not that it made him merciful with him. )
Embry ( is it faithless to unveil his secrets? maybe. but would he accept ash's help? well — he's going to, one way or another. ) is the kind of soldier who gets a head rush at killing. You know the kind. He's probably prowling around like a lion trying to get into another fight right now. He has to be held by the neck and quieted down.
( ash doesn't name what that looks like. he's not sure what it would look like to anyone else, anyway — the bittersweet borderline between violence and love. he and embry have always lived on that tightrope. ash has never felt anything else like it.
he also doesn't mention why embry looks at him. he's not sure he would explain it, even if he could. )
I'll handle him. Thank you for telling me.
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text; a few days into his hospital stay
The nurses are saying it's beautiful outside.
[ hawk has left for lunch and some meeting, he's sure, and it leaves tim alone to his own devices again. the kidnapping is over and done with - he's home, he's mostly safe, he's being cared for. but tim still feels it living in his bones, and closing his eyes to nap (which he should be doing right now) feels like it could choke him to death at the thought alone. ]
I checked your calendar, and no, you're not too busy for a walk.
And seeing as I'm a fall risk, unable to walk around on my own? I could even guilt you and tell you to do it for my sake. But I won't.
Not yet.
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( checking the calendar counts as working, ash guesses — and while he should be working, he instead puts everything aside and casts his focus entirely on tim. )
And I think that counts as coercion. For future you.
How are you feeling?
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But, of course, noted, Mr. President. Please let it be known that from this moment forward, we are no longer talking business.
[ there's a moment where he undoubtedly makes a face at his phone that he would very much make at ash in person - a pinched, scrunched up, cute mess of a thing with an eyeroll on its heels. ]
Convenient. Something tells me that you wouldn't mind being coerced by me.
But I'm fine. I feel like I'm in prison sometimes.
A very well funded, comfortable prison.
Tax dollars are really showing out here. Food leaves something to be desired, though.
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I think I'm usually the one doing the coercion. Anyone would say I'm the negative influence in your life. Recent events withstanding.
Alright, my little captive. If you could eat anything right now, what would you have?
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But you can't fault me for at least trying to coerce you. That's progress, isn't it?
I really don't have a taste for anything. And no, I'm not just being stubborn either, thank you very much.
Between the cointreau truffles Vice Presidett Moore broughy and the mountain of food Mr. Fuller has left here, I'm likely to survive the next great war on these rations alone.
I have plenty to share.
Have you gotten any rest? Don't lie to me, Maxen Ashley Colchester.
I'll figure you out all over again.
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Sounds like they're spoiling you. ( good, ash thinks. ) You have to let me bring you something, or I'll look bad. I think I have something in mind.
Honestly? No.
This whole thing is a nightmare. The peace treaty has to stand, but if I'm honest, after what happened to you ( he doesn't say anything for a long time. he prays, a little. to be a better person than he is. ) I don't feel very peaceful. That's all.
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And you couldn't look bad if you tried. Sunlight looks good on you - the warmth on your face. I mean it, Ash. Take a walk.
Or come bring me some stupid romance novel we both hate and take a nap with me.
I can't sleep in this place. I close my eyes and it
I can't stand being alone here with
myself. my mind.[ there's a pause on his end, too, as he waits. and what he reads breaks his heart.
timothy laughlin manages to taint everything he touches. ]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruined that little bit of peace.
If anyone deserves peace, it's you.
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I'll come.
What do you need?
( it's a favorite of ash's to ask — because he likes honesty, and feels most people are sitting on theirs, waiting for a stage. )
I can't imagine what it is you think you're apologizing for. Don't. This wasn't you.
If I was better at protecting you, this wouldn't have happened. But I don't want to juggle blame. Melwas made his own choices, and he's going to pay for them.
( effectively. once ash has the proof he needs to systematically dismantle him, in one fell swoop. this has been a take down several years in the making — tim's kidnapping just moves up the timeline. )
Do you trust me on that?
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I don't need anything. Not if you're coming by.
[ i need you is what he wants to say, which is true - but it's all so complicated. every restless dream brings back the memory of that night - and that his attackers will only be moving further up the chain, later. to ash. ]
If you're not going to allow me the apology then I'm not allowing you the blame, either.
That asshole -
[ he can't write his name. he can't say it. not yet. ]
Of course I trust you, Ash.
I think it was Merton - I can't remember all of it right now. I think my brain is still scrambled, but something like
Hope is trusting that what we have, where we are, and who we are? I don't know.
I never doubt you. I never doubted the man you are.
Maybe that's the hopeless optimist in me.
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( he's been a diligent president for the last three years — if he asks for a little free time, he's sure to have it. the team behind him is empathetic about tim, besides. they work with him everyday, they love him too. it isn't hard.
anyway, tim knows the right things to say. he has his thumbprint on the soft part of ash's heart, and it feels tender in his chest, like a bruise you can't help prodding at. )
I wish I could give you justice right away. Publicly it's going to look like nothing's wrong, like I'm unbothered.
You know that isn't true either, yes?
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If you find the time, then just five minutes is all I'll ask.
I'll time it, even.
[ a part of tim just wants to lay eyes on ash - to reach and tug him in a little close. to touch his cheek and tell him face to face that he trusts him, he believes him, and none of that will change. ]
I don't need justice. Carpathia deserves justice.
A leader like that doesn't work for the good of his people.
He never will.
And it's why I would be out of this bed, hobbling down the White House hallways if I saw you on TV raging and passionate and stupid over this.
Do you trust me, Ash?
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I'll be there. And I'll be happy to show you I'm very serious about my word.
( at least, if tim thinks he's up for it. ash does not consider himself a moral man — he'd happily fuck a wounded soldier on a hospital bed, if the soldier thought he could take it.
without hesitance, )
Yes, I do.
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